Retrospective: Worst Picture/Best Picture – ‘Dirty Love’ and ‘Crash’ (2005)

You know when someone smells the rotten milk and says “Oh god, this is horrible, smell this.” And then you smell it, knowing it will turn your stomach. That, is this movie – marimbadaddy, IMDb.com

Haggis knows how to grab the viewer’s attention, via intense confrontations as well as by planting dramatic seeds that bear fruit in, more often than not, grimly unexpected ways. – Todd McCarthy, Variety

Bigots and Big Tits

With the recent tragic fires in Los Angeles I decided it was the perfect time to celebrate some films that focused on the lovely land that is the heart of the film industry. While preparing this essay it was tough to choose which films to focus on. Should I discuss the slick classic film noirs such as Double Indemnity or Chinatown, or should I talk about films like Singin’ in the Rain and La La Land that embrace talent of our actors and filmmakers? Or should it be something like L.A. Story that is a love letter to the town itself? Or should I rewatch An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (okay, I’m not that heartless). No, I decided to choose two films from 2005 that are real treasures, they both show the true heart of this this City of Angels. Well, if these two movies are the angels they’re talking about, this could be heaven or this could be hell. So let’s get into a movie about discriminating and a movie about menstruating.

After writing Million Dollar Baby, Paul Haggis felt that his next script needed more characters like Hilary Swank’s mom, so he wrote Crash and decided to direct it as well. Not many people know this, but Los Angeles actually only has a population of about 20 people, and Crash displays this perfectly. With an impressive cast of big name actors who all wanted to play racist dicks, it’s told in a series of vignettes where the viewer plays the guessing game of which of the characters onscreen is gonna be the dickhead in this segment. As the film opens, it’s Christmas season in Los Angeles and district attorney Rick Cabot (Brendan Fraser) and his wife Jean (Sandra Bullock) are walking downtown at night. Suddenly the couple are completely blindsided when carjackers Anthony (Ludacris) and Peter (Larenz Tate) pull guns on them and steal their car. Jean is pretty shaken up, mainly because she fears she’s gonna have to start riding the bus again in LA.

While Crash is showing the dark side of Hollywoodland, Dirty Love decided to focus on the flip side of the coin, that everyone is a horny sex freak. Written by Jenny McCarthy, this dream project of hers is about a woman searching for her one true love, so who better to direct it than husband John Asher, whom she would divorce the same month the film was released. Just as Crash opens with a slew of star studded actors, so too does Dirty Love. Rebecca (McCarthy) flails about on Hollywood Blvd in the middle of the day shrieking like a banshee and sliding her ass across stars on the Walk of Fame. Devastated that she caught her boyfriend Richard cheating on her the night before, she repeatedly screams “Oh my god” in a pitch that’s not annoying at all. Crawling on all fours, she approaches any man on the street and offers herself up to them. After my last entry in the series I thought I was done with women acting like animals.

As Rebecca is hoping to get some action, things are looking up across town in Crashland. Television director Cameron Thayer (Terrence Howard) is driving home with his wife Christine (Thandiwe Newton). They get to a red light, so Christine thinks she can hustle and blow, but unfortunately they get pulled over by Sergeant John Ryan (Matt Dillon) and his partner officer Tom Hansen (Ryan Phillippe). Hoping to just get a slap on the wrist and told to go home, Christine was shocked when she ended up having an interview with a predator. Scared to do anything because of his race, Cameron watches helplessly as the sleazy sergeant does some wild things to his wife. Officer Hansen knows that it’s wrong what’s going on, but does nothing because he’s just a rookie. After the inappropriate incident is over, the sergeant sends them on their way. Officer Hansen gets back in the car and is relieved it’s over, hoping he’ll never have to get involved with a drunken Hollywood woman screaming at a cop at night.

Though Christine was terrified and humiliated by being fondled by a stranger, Rebecca’s attempt wasn’t working. Luckily she spotted a fortune teller’s shop and head inside for some tips on how to find love. Inside, the mysterious Madame Belly (Kathy Griffin) greets Rebecca and says she’s been waiting for her. She reveals that Rebecca will have true happiness when she finds a white pony. See, even the fortune teller is racist and only sees a “white” pony. Anyway, Made Belly tells her that first she must learn her lessons after encountering a lot of pain. Maybe the medium was talking to the audience as well because we’re about to encounter a lot of pain, too.

Meanwhile at another shop in Hollywood, Persian owner Farhad (Shaun Toub) wants to buy a gun to protect his store. His daughter Dorri decides to go buy it herself, and after some back and forth bickering at the gun shop, she gives her pop the pistol. Unfortunately, now he’s got another issue, the lock at the store is having issues, so they need to get that fixed. Because he used up all of his spare parts to fix Tony Stark and turn him into Iron Man, Farhad needs to hire someone to fix the lock. However, the only locksmith in all of Los Angeles, Daniel Ruiz (Michael Pena), is already busy fixing the locks at Rick and Jean’s house. Still shook up from the previous night, even though the locks are being changed, she still feels unsafe. She calls her hubby Rick an airhead and starts wailing at him because the locksmith looks like a gangster and will probably break into their house later on. Because she was being extremely loud and he was incredibly close, Daniel heard everything but didn’t say anything like the good quiet American that he is.

Now that Rebecca has her sights set on finding a white pony, she gets a hold of her friends. First we’re introduced to aspiring actress Carrie (Kam Heskin). And there’s something about Carrie, she’s not too bright, but at least her heart is in the right place, even if her fake boobs sometimes aren’t. Then we meet Michelle (Carmen Electra) who I was confused when she first appeared because I thought I was watching Crash because of the way she was acting. Michelle must have listened to one too many interviews with Quentin Tarantino and his Django Unchained cast, because the white woman sounds like she’s auditioning for Def Comedy Jam. And then there’s Rebecca’s neighbor John (Eddie Kaye Thomas) who clearly has a crush on her but can’t seem to tell her. Maybe he got fingered one too many times and it screwed up his ability to talk to women. After getting together with her three pals, Rebecca announces that she really hates her ex Richard and wants revenge against him. It turns out Richard is actually a model and he’s gonna be in a fashion show later that night. So Rebecca comes up with the brilliant idea to get a guy, any guy, and bring him to the show so Richard will see the couple together and get jealous. She goes shopping with Carrie and tries her first attempt at getting a guy. Talking to a guy at the clothing store, it looks good so far, but then the guy’s wife arrives and a three way quickly happens. That is, a three way slap fest. But I don’t know, after watching women beating up women in both Catwoman and Million Dollar Baby, watching a couple ladies just slapping each other seemed pretty tame. Anyway, with that first attempt being a bust, Rebecca decides to tag along with Carrie to her audition to see if she’ll have better luck there. Because we all know nothing can possibly go wrong when trying to get in a relationship at a Hollywood audtion.

While Rebecca and Carrie are at the audition, our depressed director Cameron is on the lot working on his television show. He’s just shot a scene while the producer Fred (Tony Danza) looks on. It seems to have gone well, but after the take, Fred has some notes for the dear Cameron. The lead actor in the show is black, but Fred told Cameron that he thinks Fred is sounding too white. I’m guessing Michelle stole all of the black in California and used it up on herself, but anyway, Fred thinks they should do it again. A bit flabbergasted but worried about losing his job, Cameron tells Fred they’ll do another take because he knows who’s the boss.

Shamed Cameron isn’t having a good day on the film set, but the same can’t be said for the directing duo watching Carrie’s audition. Her reading is so dreadful you’d think we were watching the actress’s actual audition tape for Dirty Love. But the two directors who both look and act like a particularly once beloved New York director, are both in awe of her, probably because they’re each both trying to hide their woody. After they congratulate her on a perfect audition, she asks them if they’re free that night to go to the fashion show. The quickly say yes, which is a good thing because Rebecca’s once again not having much luck on her end getting a date. While waiting outside the audition room, she talks with an actor who seems normal, but then starts being infatuated her scent and keeps sniffing her constantly and also giving examples of different types of heat. She’s quickly pushes him away and gets the hell out of there with Carrie. Besides, any guy who’s into some weird science like that isn’t worth keeping.

Just as Rebecca is finally free of that bad actor, Locksmith Daniel is finally free of that bad wife Jean and has gone home to his family. Daniel seems to be the only person in Los Angeles who isn’t racist. Maybe it’s because he’s a reliable worker. Maybe it’s because he’s a loving husband and father. Maybe it’s because he’s a Scientologist like Paul Haggis. But for whatever reason, he’s the only good guy in LA. He comes home from a long day of work and goes to see his daughter Ashlyn who’s hiding under her bed because she heard gunshots earlier and was scared. Daniel comes up with a story that a fairy once gave him an invisibility cloak. Unlike Daniel Radcliffe’s which was only invisible, Daniel Locksmith’s cloak is also bulletproof, so he decides to pass it over to his daughter for safe keeping. Telling her goodnight, he’s about to head off to bed himself, but he unfortunately has to go back to work for another assignment. This time’s it’s to fix frustrated Farhad’s locks at this shop. He quickly does the job, but tells Farhad that it’s not the lock that’s the problem, it’s the door that needs to be changed. Not having any of that, the furious Farhad demands he still fix it, but Daniel tells him he can’t. Daniel leaves and Farhad is stuck with a damaged door. But he shouldn’t worry, I’m sure nothing can possibly go wrong overnight. Besides, it’s LA, nobody breaks into places there.

Meanwhile, Michelle and John break into Richard’s place because aspiring photographer Rebecca accidentally left all of her camera gear there. Unfortunately, they discover that in a fit of rage, Richard had destroyed all of her stuff. So of course, the only thing they can think to do is piss on his couch and shit in his bed. Anyway, while the defecating duo are trying to help our heroine, she’s getting ready for the fashion show. Double dating with Carrie and using the dopey directors as collateral, they arrive at the gala. Spotting the wretched Richard who’s about to make the stage, Rebecca wraps her arms around her flummoxed filmmaker and stuffs his face into her chest. The jarring jolt surprised Woozy Allen and he barfed on her breasts. With everyone at the show laughing at her misfortune, including Richard, what else could Rebecca do but whip out her boobs and play with them for all to see. Besides, Jennifer McCarthy auditioned for Showgirls but didn’t get the part, so this is the next best thing.

While Rebecca is trying to clean up after that embarrassing incident with the feeble filmmaker, our shocked shopkeeper isn’t having a good day either. Some small time crooks have broken into his store and vandalized it, ruining everything. And because the locksmith Daniel told him he needed to change the door but Farhad did nothing about it, the insurance company won’t cover the damages. Farhad is more surprised by that reveal than Jack Nicholson reading a Best Picture envelope. Elsewhere in the city some other bickering is going on. This time it’s between our criminal cronies Anthony and Peter. Their last car they stole broke down and Peter tries to wave down a bus so he and Anthony can ride it. But Anthony shouts at him “get back, you don’t know me like that”. Peter is confused, so his buddy explains that buses are useless because they can’t jump from skyscraper to skyscraper or drive down the side of an exploding dam, so what’s the point?

Leaving Anthony and Peter’s heart to heart conversation, on the other side of town Rebecca and John are having their own heart to heart at a cafe. Or rather, John’s attempting to but Rebecca is completely clueless. He tries to tell her that he loves her, but he instead blurts out that Richard broke her cameras. He then tells her that she needs to stop searching for some random guy around town because the perfect guy could be sitting right next to her. Taking her cue from Carrie, she understands perfectly and approaches a random guy sitting at the other end of the bar and asks him out on a date. And as we all know, if you’re not a racist in Los Angeles then you’re a psychotic sex fiend. She goes home with the random guy Jake who decides the perfect thing is to give her acid and introduce her to some new exciting things. After she trips for quite a while, she walks into Jake’s bedroom where he’s perched up on his bed, naked and on all fours with a fish sticking out of his ass, demanding that she touch his bass. But unlike Sergeant Ryan, Rebecca knows not to grope someone when they’re completely vulnerable, fish or no fish. Thankfully that scene is over and I’ll never again have to write about a woman who encounters a horny half man half fish.

Rebecca is meeting so many new sexists, how about we meet some new racists? Down the road in LA an undercover white cop accidentally shot and killed a coked up black cop. After having saved Los Angeles from being completely destroyed by a volcano a few years prior, Detective Graham Waters (Don Cheadle) is on the case. Okay, I’ll admit, this segment isn’t terribly interesting, it’s just an excuse to throw in a few more hate crimes. To sum it up, the Detective tries not be racist, but ends up being racist. Case closed. Meanwhile, further down the road, in the words of Detective Waters, there’s a “crash” and a car has flipped over. Since there are pretty much only two LAPD officers in LA, Sergeant Ryan arrives on scene, and wouldn’t you know it, the molester has to rescue the molestee. Christine is of course scared when she sees that of the two cops in LA she got stuck with Sergeant Scumbag. Hesitant at first to be saved by him, she sees that there’s a bunch of gasoline around her and a fire is breaking out. Thankfully the creepy cop manages to quickly go in and out and save her. Happy to be alive she hugs the beloved bigot. Trying to one up our 2000 Best Picture with big operatic music playing over the scene, the sergeant is glad he saved her. But unfortunately, unlike that earlier winner which knew to end the film with that dramatic music, we’ve still got another hour to slog through with this one.

While Christine is being rescued from a river of gasoline, Rebecca isn’t as lucky. Having run out of tampons, Rebecca goes shopping for a new batch, but unfortunately at the supermarket she has an accident and has to escape from her own treacherous river. And wouldn’t you know it, Richard is at the supermarket as well and sees the humiliated Rebecca flailing about on the floor covered in her own period. Frantically she goes to the checkout but the cashier is giving her a tough time and won’t sell her the tampons. If only John Lithgow was around, he would’ve come to Rebecca’s rescue and put the very rude cashier in her place.

With all the screaming going around in the supermarket, there was a lot of screaming happening across town. Anthony just can’t help himself and once again tries to hijack another car, but this time he chose the wrong driver. Pulling a gun on the down on his luck director, Anthony tells him “Move bitch, get out the car”, but is surprised when Cameron fights back and forces the criminal to join him for a joyride. Once again, there are only two LAPD officers in LA, so wouldn’t you know it, Officer Hansen just happens to see the fast and furious driver and decides to pull him over. But this time, the delirious director isn’t having any of it. He gets out of the car angrily and starts shouting and resisting arrest. Other officers arrive and are about to shoot him. However, Officer Hansen recognizing Cameron and because he knows what he did last night, he manages to calm him down and keep him from getting shot at. Of course, the same can’t be said for the locksmith’s little girl. On the other side of town, some more shouting is happening when the shopkeeper Farhad managed to track down Daniel. Blaming him for his store’s break in, he demands he pay him back. Daniel’s daughter sees the quarrel and decides to rush in to save the day. Furious Farhad fires the gun but superheroine Ashlyn comes in to save the day with her invisibility cloak. Maybe it was the blanks that Farhad’s daughter bought, maybe it was the overbearing music, or maybe it was Daniel giving his over the top movie poster reaction, but whatever it was, Ashlyn went away unscathed.

Magic is all over the place in Los Angeles. Rebecca managed to find another new kid on the block, this time with magician Tom Houdini. They two head to a restaurant but things aren’t going too well because, to her amazement, Tom is a complete psycho as well. And, wouldn’t you know it, Richard is also at the restaurant and witnesses the insanity, laughing at her failing date. Rebecca wants to get out of there, so she asks Tom to just take her home. But on the drive back, Tom is swerving about after a bit of a scuffle with Rebecca. Because Officer Hansen and Sergeant Ryan were busy on the other side of the city, the LAPD finally came to their senses and hired one additional cop, who pulls them over and takes them away. As as we’ve learned from Crash, the LAPD have busy hands, and at the station Rebecca and the magician are forced to strip down. Rebecca is hesitant at first but eventually does, but luckily she is only made to be in her underwear. The magician however wasn’t as lucky. Completely naked, he is given a body cavity search and a long line of handkerchiefs are pulled out of his ass. Thankfully they only had to stay in jail overnight. It could have been worse, she could have gone out with they waiter from the restaurant they were at and eventually stormed the capitol on January 6th with him, then she would’ve been in a jail for a lot longer.

As Rebecca mopes about completely lonely, Jean mopes about her home. She decides to call her friend and vent, telling her how she’s constantly angry, usually because her Hispanic housemaid Maria never unloads the dishwasher on time. Still talking on the phone, the hateful housewife trips and gets a taste of gravity, falling down the stairs. Unfortunately, she’s unable to call the police for help, probably because the only two cops in Los Angeles are both off duty for the night. Officer Hansen is driving home when he sees hitchhiker Peter on the side of the road and offers him a ride. As the two are talking, Peter lets out a chuckle which offends the officer and he tells passenger Peter to get out of his car. But Peter did the wrong thing and reached inside his pocket. Sensing that he has cruel intentions, the officer whips out his gun and shoots the unarmed man dead. After all, the film is nearly over, we still had to make Officer Hansen a racist.

Trying not to let the corrupt characters in Crash have all the fun that night, Rebecca and her pals head to the club to party. Once again, our desperate ditz is looking for love in all the wrong places. Getting wasted at the club while Sum 41 is playing on stage, what else should one do but jump up on stage and dance around with the band. While everyone else in LA seems to be having a good time with racists, Rebecca is having a good time with the bassist. She leaps on top of him as he’s playing and starts humping him. Sergeant Ryan should be taking notes. John watches on as Rebecca makes a fool of herself and I bet he’s really wishing he would have stayed with Stifler’s mom. But alas, he’s still got feelings for the plastered protagonist. Crash taught us that there are only a few dozen people in Los Angeles, and Dirty Love taught us that there are only about a dozen places in the city, because once again, Richard just happens to be at the club as well and once again sees Rebecca acting like an idiot. But this time John finally grows a pair and punches the ex, knocking him out. Thankfully there were no bar stools around so Richard made a full recovery.

While Rebecca and Sum 41 are getting in too deep, Crash is getting In the Deep. Now that we’ve been introduced to all the wascally wacists, the film is nearly over so we’ve gotta give the racists a bit of redemption with a montage. When she returns home from the hospital, congenial Jean hugs Maria and thanks her, telling her she’s her only friend. But mainly she thanks her for saving her so quickly because if she had any permanent damage she would’ve been completely out of luck because everyone knows that in LA it’s hard out here with a limp. After Anthony’s unsuccessful hijacking, he’s forced to get on the unexciting bus and looks extremely gloomy, mainly because Jean is in recovery and not ther to at least jump over an incomplete bridge. Familiar with how to get rid of a dead body, Officer Hansen ditches it in a field and then burns his car. I guess he didn’t get the memo that it’s not a bright idea to start fires in LA. Our discouraged director just happens to pass by the burning car and joins in with the crowd of people having fun with the bonfire. As War Machine 1 is throwing some sticks on the fire, nearby War Machine 2 Detective Waters spots the dead Peter, who of course turns out to be his brother. So sadly, the population of LA dropped from 20 people to 19. And because the song is almost over, they had to rush the other characters in, so they all look profoundly at nothing while it snows outside. Finally, all of the troupe of troublemakers are no longer racist. But wait! The film ends with a cliffhanger as one of the minor non-racist characters gets in a crash with a foreigner and calls her some ethnic slurs. I smell a sequel.

Realizing she’s never gonna find her white pony, Rebecca pretty much gives up on looking for her one true love. But of course, John arrives right on cue. Having sold one of his precious guitars, he was able to buy Rebecca a whole new set of cameras. Though none of the curious cameras can predict the future, they’re still pretty good. Presenting her with the gift, finally, she realizes that he’s the one true love of hers. Or so you would think, but no, she once again does nothing, telling him that she’ll just whimper and stick with being alone. Walking home at night, luckily not catching any of the snow that’s happening in the other part of the city, rejected Rebecca wanders about weeping. Having had enough, John goes after her and lets her have it. He tells her she’s an idiot for not realizing that he’s right there, the only non-psycho in LA, but she’s too stupid to realize it. She notices that his brand of shoe is Pony, so no, it’s not John’s kindness and love for her that finally brought her to her senses, no, it was a random fortune teller on Hollywood Blvd whose bullshit prediction that actually happened to come true that did it. Took you long enough to realize you got the right stuff, baby.

So, looking over these two films, how do they compare and what are my thoughts on them? Well, one of them is about horrible people living in Los Angeles acting like idiots and doing all the wrong things. And the other is about horrible people living in Los Angeles acting like idiots and doing all the wrong things. Director Paul Haggis wrote the script to Crash in only two weeks which I find shocking, it really felt like it only took him two days. Jenny McCarthy wrote the script to Dirty Love for her to star in. And who wouldn’t want to be the star of a movie where the character is puked on, farts into a phone, crawls on their hands and knees on the disease ridden Walk of Fame, jiggles their bare boobs in front of a huge crowd, strips down to their underwear in front of a police officer, and rolls slips and slides in their own period blood? I’m surprised neither film managed to get Randy Newman’s “I Love LA” as part of their soundtrack because each film really shows how wonderful the city really is. Well, it took me forever to finish this entry, so onto the next one. I wish I knew how to quit this series.

• Author
• Recent Posts

Jeff Beachnau

In a world where viewers are lost and confused, one man can show them the way. Jeff Beachnau is the symbol the moviegoers have been waiting for. With sarcastic wit and deadpan humor, if you weren't aware he's always joking you'd think he was a dick. When not watching movies or catching up on 1980s sitcoms he hasn't seen yet, Jeff likes to ride his bike, go to the beach, and protect the people from the forces of evil. And, when he's got the time, he works as a grip (to the extreme).

Latest posts by Jeff Beachnau (see all)

• Retrospective: Worst Picture/Best Picture – ‘Dirty Love’ and ‘Crash’ (2005) - March 28, 2025
• Retrospective: Worst Picture/Best Picture – ‘Catwoman’ and ‘Million Dollar Baby’ (2004) - July 22, 2024
• Retrospective: Worst Picture/Best Picture: ‘Gigli’ and ‘The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King’ (2003) - January 30, 2024