“They Told Me There’d Be Hot Tea” – All Mariah Carey Albums, Ranked

10. Caution (2018) 

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 51,000 + streaming

Key Tracks: With You, A No No, Giving Me Life, Portrait, GTFO

Score: 17 out of 25 lambs

Caution is so good. Some would argue a return to form, but I really like Elusive Chanteuse, so to me, this is just a continuation of form, although this is a much tighter album, for sure. And with Election Day just around the corner, I am absolutely voting or the candidate who makes sure this album goes platinum. (OMG, that’s not even a funny joke. I voted early and voted for Biden-Harris and anything blue on my ballot. You should do the same thing. The bees are dying, and so is society!). 

With You, very much giving me We Belong Together vibes and A No No, is sassy Mariah at her best. Honestly, every song on this album is good-to-fantastic. How GTFO wasn’t a chart-topper, I’ll never understand. 

The album’s real, lasting impression remains to be seen. It should’ve been a significant Grammys player and commercial hit (if we still had those). So, for now, its impact may be as a great, underrated album. Maybe in 20 years, a bunch of Lambs will get it to stream directly into our corneas or whatever. 

The Moment

I really want The Moment from this album to be Mariah’s performance of With You at the American Music Awards, but sadly, it’s definitely Timothée Chalamet singing along to Giving Me Life on a French TV show, something that I genuinely thought would rocket the album back up the charts. Damn you, Timmy! 

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9. Glitter (2001)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 1 x Platinum (US); 2 million Worldwide 

Key Tracks: Loverboy, Reflections (Care Enough), Never Too Far,  Didn’t Mean to Turn You On, Last Night a DJ Saved My Life, Twister, All My Life

Score: 18.5 out of 25 lambs

I feel like I just got back from a trip to Puerto Vallarta because I’ve got a lot to unpack here with Glitter. The film was a notorious bomb  (release date: 9/11/01), and, for a while, the album was scrubbed entirely from the universe. Over the years, the soundtrack has grown in estimation rightfully so. In 2018, the much-feared, incredibly organized Lambily got #JusticeForGlitter trending, and the album inexplicably reached #1 on the iTunes music charts. 

These singles are … uh… great gowns, beautiful gowns for me. You can kind of see how with the bulk of the album being so 80’s pop-era focused, they’d want to release a couple of more current R&B songs as singles, which were more aligned with Mariah’s 2001 aesthetic: Loverboy, while still reaching #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 is hard to separate from its controversy (see Rarities) and Don’t Stop featuring Mystikal is, well, kinda rough. I love Never Too Much, though. 

The rest of the album itself is teeming with great samples, covers, and songs that feel like they would’ve been ’80’s club and radio staples. You can simply smell the poppers! Some of the collabs are a little iffy – including both the alternate version of Loverboy and the remix of Loverboy featuring Da Brat, Ludacris, Shawna, and Twenty II – seems like overcompensation. All My Life, the song that kicks off Mariah’s character Billie’s career in the film, is a highlight for me, as is the ballad Twister.

For good or for bad, other than the entire Christmas season from now until eternity, there’s an argument to be made that Glitter and everything around it is one of the most iconic parts of Mariah’s career. Notorious, but never forgotten, it is satisfying to see the late appreciation for the album and Mariah getting the last laugh in releasing Loverboy as she originally intended.  

The Moment

I know we’re talking about the album and not the movie, but it’s definitely Mariah, in pigtails, grabbing the mic at a club to sing a few bars blowing away everyone with her vocal talent in a moment that would actually 100% happen in real-life.

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8. Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel (2009)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: Gold (US & WW) 

Essential Tracks: Obsessed, I Want to Know What Love Is, HATEU, Up Out My Face (Remix), Angels Cry,, It’s A Wrap, Betcha Gon’ Know (The prologue), Languishing (The interlude)

Score: 19.5 out of 25 lambs

I love this album. All overstuffed 17 tracks of it, including a prologue, two reprises, a prelude, and an interlude. The DRAMA of it all. If The Emancipation of Mimi and E=MC² are Mariah re-establishing her chart dominance and R&B bona fides, this is the start of this most recent act of her career where she plays an absolute eccentric. And I’m all in on all of it.

You should call the singles off this album the Cell Block Tango because it’s a murderer’s row. Obsessed is features both a Mean Girls quote and a video in which Mariah puts on Eminem drag. Perfection. HATEU is one of her most longing songs, and, for my money, I Want to Know What Love Is is her best cover – ever. The genuinely piping hot remix of Up Out My Face featuring future enemy Nicki Minaj and a silky smooth Angels Cry duet with Ne-Yo were later released, as they were both exquisite and both from a scrapped remix album. (They’re hard to find now, though.)

Further down the tracklist: It’s A Wrap is a Top 5 Mariah song for me and was my top played song of 2009 mostly because of the lyric: “That was your last shot you ain’t coming back / it’s the martini, I mean it.” Stunning. The short but pleading Languishing (The Interlude) was beautifully, hauntingly repurposed on Mariah’s Instagram on the day of George Floyd’s memorial service.

The Moment (Unranked)

Absolutely the collaboration between Mariah and Nicki on the Up Out My Face (Remix), as the two went from collaborators to co-workers on American Idol to enemies in the span of just a few short months. Them working together on this bonkers-good track needs to be revered, protected, and ultimately, feared.

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7. #1 to Infinity (2015)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 86,000 + streaming

Key Tracks: Infinity and a bunch of huge hits

Score: 20 out of 25 lambs

It’s 80 minutes of monster hits plus an underrated new single – there’s a lot to love here. Knocked a full lamb because I so desperately want Mariah to put out a Greatest Hits compilation under her complete control, including deep cuts and songs that didn’t make it to #1. But if you were growing up in the ’90s, this is your definitive Mariah Carey Greatest Hits album.

Infinity never stood a chance against all these iconic tracks, but it’s a solid, B+ single – propulsive, sonically powerful, and shows off her much-underrated songwriting skills. The song is ostensibly about a relationship that isn’t meant to last forever, but also the concept of Infinity in relation to the depth of her hits is palpable. Should’ve been a hit. 

Unlike #1s, you have the Emancipation of Mimi era included here; Unlike Greatest Hits, you have the Fantasy version with ODB. But the limitations to just number ones, while impressive from the solo artist with the most #1 singles of all-time, means we’re getting Thank God I Found You instead of Obsessed. And that is worth the loss of an entire lamb to me. 

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6. Emotions (1991)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 1
Sales: 4x Platinum (US); 8 million (WW)

Essential Tracks: Emotions, Can’t Let Go, Make It Happen, You’re So Cold, If It’s Over, And You Don’t Remember

Score: 21 of 25 lambs

Emotions, in a lot of ways, is a more joyful, free-wheelin’ album than Mariah Carey. Her sophomore hit shows off even more of her vocal range and has a bit more fun. The problem is that the good stuff is so good that the rest isn’t so bad as forgettable. But I love this album, as it got endless play in 10-year-old Eddie’s Walkman circa 1991.

For my money, the 1-2-3 punch of Emotions, Can’t Let Go, and Make It Happen is the best release of singles in Mariah’s career. Emotions is possibly her most joyful song ever, Can’t Let Go her most forlorn, and Make It Happen isher only inspirational song that actually has me even considering, you know, making it happen.  Into the deep cuts, If It’s Over is Mariah Carey’s single best vocal performance of all-time. And that’s that on that. 

The Moment (Unranked)

Emotions live. There’s nothing like it.

#5-#1…