Welcome to this week’s recap of “The Great British Baking Show,” also known as The Only Pure and Decent Thing Left On This God-Forsaken Planet™.
My name is Daniel Trainor. I’m vegan and can’t eat any of this stuff and it only took me until the second week to mention that!
My name is Sam Stone and I think veganism is a cult, and biscuits should be made illegal.
Let’s get into Biscuit Week!
DT: Of course, we’re in Britain, so when they say “biscuit,” they don’t actually mean biscuits as we’ve come to know them in America. Sort of like when they call cigarettes “fags” or Paul Hollywood “handsome.”
SS: I’m a fag and handsome, and in many ways…a biscuit.
DT: I’m thrilled to announce that we open the show with Noel happily dressed like a gay raver.
SS: We jump into our biscuity Signature Challenge, which is to make 36 chocolate Florentines. It’s vitally important that each Florentine SNAP and CRACK, and BREAK, BE CRISPY, and also SNAP. Prue describes Florentines as fattening but gorgeous which is sort of…my whole schtick.
DT: There hasn’t been this much talk about bending and snapping since “Legally Blonde” and now I can’t stop thinking about Jennifer Coolidge guest judging this show.
SS: Sura does some kind of rose water situation, and Peter, who I just noticed has severe Long Back Syndrome, chooses to make a Sticky Toffee Pudding Florentine.
DT: Mark, who is making his Florentines with mango and macadamia nuts (which I guess is risky???), is called “The King of Fruits,” which was my nickname in seventh grade. SEE, BEING CALLED THE KING OF FRUITS IS ACTUALLY COOL, TREVOR!!!!
SS: In fact, three other chefs are using mango in their Florentines, which reminds me…please don’t forget to macadamia nut and man-GO to the polls this election season.
DT: During the challenge, we find out that Linda has a full-service bar in a shed in her backyard. Linda is light, Linda is love, Linda is the moment.
SS: Linda perhaps has a relationship with alcohol that merits investigating.
DT: David, who somehow has yet to be sent a cease and desist by Tom DeLonge after last week’s disaster and remains on the show, is another baker absolutely addicted to mango.
SS: Lottie is making “quarantine Florentines” in honor of her grandparents. Okay, Lottie is also a poet. This woman can do everything.
DT: It’s revealed that Rowan has a collection of waist coats and enjoys shining up his antiques collection at home, but let’s be honest, we already knew both of those things.
SS: During judging it becomes clear that Rowan’s homosexual waist coat biscuits are a complete and utter failure. Paul shoots hate-crime lasers out of his eyes, and Prue floats in the background judgmentally. Rowan, to his credit, does not seem to care at all! I wonder if he’s just here for the free baking equipment?
DT: I think Rowan is just here to get out of the house and, like, interact with some folks.
SS: You know that bitch has some tiny dogs she talks to like they’re children.
DT: We get to Mark’s macadamia and mango Florentines and Prue, who has been sitting on this joke for hours, says she was “worried about his big nuts.” The tent erupts with the sort of laughter typically reserved for, I don’t know, something funny?
SS: Lottie gets the first Paul Hollywood handshake of the season, which I absolutely knew would happen. Paul can’t keep his hands off a young ingenue like that for more than a couple of weeks.
DT: Mak, who amazingly has also written a novel (?!), struggled with his snapless peacock Florentines, but flat-assed Peter excelled with his Sticky Toffee Pudding biscuits.
SS: It’s time for the Technical Challenge, or as I refer to it “the 20 minutes in the middle of the episode where people stare at ovens.” This time we’re making 12 macaroons. Six will be with mango curd, and six with chocolate. They’ve gotta be golden and they’ve gotta be macaroons. Those are essentially the only requirements.
DT: I was today years old when I learned that macaroons ≠ macarons.
SS: Baking lingo is exclusionary, toxic, and problematic in its formatting.
DT: The bakers struggle with how to interpret the word “golden.” Hermine, ever the philosopher, says “golden can mean anything, really.”
SS: In many ways, this recap is golden 🙂
DT: Lottie helps out Mark and gives him her chocolate after his seizes up. A model, a poet, a humanitarian. Meanwhile, Rowan’s macaroons look like absolute shit and, once again, he couldn’t care less. Rowan is in his own competition. He comes in last.
SS: Besides Rowan, this is a pretty even challenge. Macaroons, it would seem, are not that hard to make, unless you are a foppish Brit.
DT: It’s a somewhat uneventful Technical, but David comes in first and carries that momentum into the Showstopper Challenge, in which the bakers are tasked with creating 3D table settings inspired by a memorable meal from their lives.
SS: For most, the most memorable meal of their lives appears to be that morning’s tea and toast.
DT: The bakers construct forks, knives, bowls and such using various biscuit doughs. Rowan, of course, has decided to make a working lighthouse. Never change, Rowan.
SS: World’s Greatest Human Lottie also sets out to make an entire viking ship, but runs into trouble getting everything out of her homemade molds. For me, it was quite cathartic seeing somebody so beautiful get so stressed.
DT: I’m used to it 🙂
SS: Peter makes a haggis-inspired biscuit tablescape, which is the most British thing that has ever been attempted.
DT: It’s actually pretty successful! Peter and David are the stand-outs, however poor Rowan’s lighthouse needs a god damn SOS. He finds himself in trouble again.
SS: Marc gets high marks (!!!) for his “breakfast for one” table setting design. Linda, seemingly out of nowhere, has constructed a beautiful (if not particularly edible) tea set.
DT: Mark (not to be confused with Marc or Mak) makes a table setting meant to mimic an Ethiopian coffee ceremony, which Prue says “certainly looks very African,” while David makes a Mexican-inspired table setting called “Waiting for Tacos.” Suddenly Rowan’s broken lighthouse isn’t so offensive.
SS: David wins Star Baker for his masterpiece, “Waiting for Tacos,” a name and concept I am preemptively canceling myself for including in this recap.
DT: Somehow, by the grace of whatever God, Rowan lives on to ignore the rules for another week and Mak gets sent home for his disappointing chai tea set.
SS: It really is insane that every single baker made a tea set.
DT: Is it?
SS: I…just said it was…
DT: I look forward to next week when Rowan is asked to make a children’s birthday cake and he instead decides to invent a new form of renewable energy.
SS: See you then!