It’s Pastry Week on “The Great British Baking Show,” which means it’s time for a bunch of kind British people to stuff various creams into different types of doughs while making strained sexual innuendos.
I’m Daniel Trainor, and, while I don’t know anything about dough, I do know a lot about innuendos. Innuen…doughs. Hold on, the joke hall of fame is calling me. Give me a minute.
I’m Sam Stone, and every week is Pastry Week for me because I’m married to a croissant.
Let’s get pastry!
DT: Drunk aunt Linda is ready to fuckin’ go. Hermine, meanwhile, appears to have been infiltrated by some kind of baking demon and shouts, with eyes rolling back in her head, “IT IS MY WEEK!”
SS: Mark says the judges will be looking for crisp bottoms, one of the many similarities Paul Hollywood shares with my Scruff profile.
DT: In the Signature Challenge, the bakers are asked to make eight identical pasties. The judges stress that the inside of the pasties must be as nice and lovely as their outsides, and isn’t that a beautiful message?
SS: Since the tender age of eight, when I read the infamous J.K. Rowling’s indie hit “Harry Potter,” I’ve wondered what the fuck a pasty could be, and today is the day I will finally learn. Such power. Such trepidation.
DT: The dough is crucial here. Some of the bakers are making puff pastry, some of the bakers are making shortcrust. Hermine has invented her own hybrid, and is doing whatever the hell she wants.
SS: Laura is using Paul Hollywood’s pastry dough recipe – news that delights Paul. Jesus Christ Laura, you’re DROOLING.
DT: Lottie is making “toad-in-the-hole-less pasties.” I cannot stress this enough. The British must be stopped.
SS: Marc (how are there still two Marc(k)s?!) is from Cornwall, where pasties were invented, and the judges react to this as if there will be a live beheading in the tent if Marc doesn’t win the challenge.
DT: Dave is bravely choosing to include chillies while competing on an ENGLISH BAKING show. Read the room, Dave.
SS: Marc’s fish pasties are underwhelming and, thus, he must be killed. Peter’s fish pasties (WHICH LOOK LIKE ACTUAL FISH! MARC, YOU REALLY SCREWED THIS UP!) are visually appetizing, but not so…actually appetizing.
DT: For the second week in a row, Lottie is doing this thing where she pretends not to care about anything and fails to crimp her pasties. Meanwhile, Linda nearly burns the tent down and throws her samosa-inspired pasties on her serving plate with the effervescence of a woman who is just happy to be out of the house.
SS: If I were a baker in this competition I would simply bake my pasties correctly in the allotted time.
DT: Lottie gets criticized for appearance, but rave reviews for her sausage. Story of my life!
SS: The highlight of judging for me, is when Prue mischievously taps the bottom of Lottie’s pastry and gently whispers “……nice”
DT: I really want to praise Linda for taking the risk of not following the rules, guidelines or specifications and, rather than making a pasty, just going ahead and making a samosa because she felt like it. Miraculously, the judges don’t really seem to mind! Linda is a con artist and a master scammer and I learn from her every week.
SS: Hermine gets rave reviews on the innovative pastry crust that she’s single handedly invented, and her perfectly flavored fillings. Meanwhile, Laura gets the same amount of praise for her cheese and onion pasties. Reader, I have no words.
DT: We move into the Technical Challenge, which calls for the bakers to make three strawberry eclairs and three salted caramel eclairs. Almost immediately, Linda is deep in the weeds. Just make samosas, Linda!
SS: While everyone is drowning (one of the Mar(k/c?!)’s eclair shells immediately deflates) Peter smugly turns to camera to tell us he feels comfortable.
DT: It’s absolute chaos in the tent, I do ECLAIR! Every single baker is running around like a mad person trying to pipe raspberries into donuts or whatever.
SS: Sorry, I just need uh….to take a full calendar year to recover from that eclair pun.
DT: Linda, staying true to character, has decided to serve breadsticks.
SS: The judges really did the bakers dirty with this Technical Challenge. No one fails worse than Linda, but everyone does fail. Except Peter who has inexplicably made six perfect eclairs.
DT: Peter was really feeling himself this episode, in a way that made me slightly aroused. Anyway, it’s time for the Showstopper Challenge, in which our lovely bakers are asked to make a “caged tart.”
SS: A caged tart, I learned, is just a tart in drag wearing a large fancy cage of pastry crust as a wig.
DT: The challenge is decidedly…challenging, and the bakers are making different types of doughs. Linda, I expect, will be making a pizza.
SS: Lottie is making a gorgeous but intimidating Illuminati pyramid of pastry to encase her non-traditional apple tart, and Laura is making a tart based off a key lime pie. Otherwise known as a key lime pie in a damn tart shell.
DT: Contrary to expectations, Linda says she’s making a “gypsy tart,” which I’m not sure is a phrase we use anymore in 2020? This is the same woman who made a Bob Marley cake, so I’m not sure I trust Linda’s instincts here.
SS: Making a cage for a tart, it turns out, is not as simple as it sounds. Linda’s cage sticks to her pan, leaving her mostly cageless for final judging. This is not Linda’s day, week, month, or even her year.
DT: Should have made a pizza, Linda! Meanwhile, Mark is attempting to make a “Mes-SAGE in a Bottle tart” and, unfortunately, when he attempts to get his cage loose, the message appears to be “you fucked up.” It’s time for judging and when Paul takes a glance at Linda’s monstrosity, he says “the way it looks doesn’t look good.”
SS: I’m receiving word that Paul Hollywood has just been made Poet Laureate of the whole world?
DT: Lottie, following Linda’s revolutionary lead, doesn’t really make what she’s supposed to make. According to the judges, since her pastry doesn’t have sides, it can’t be classified as a tart. THEY HATE CREATIVITY.
SS: Laura’s key lime…tart goes over very well with the judges. Peter, Marc, and Hermine also receive compliments on their bakes. As we round out the judging it seems that Linda, Lottie, and Mark are all in danger of going home.
DT: Laura wins Star Baker and is intent on saying “hashtag winging it.” She needs to hashtag not do that.
SS: Linda, unsurprisingly, is sent packing. Love ya, Linda. Goodbye forever.
DT: Sweet Linda, who always just seemed happy to be around other people, will be sorely missed inside the tent. Her questionable cultural references, perhaps not so much!
SS: In closing, I would like to say that Hermine, queen of innovation, was hashtag robbed of star baker this week, and I cannot hashtag wait to see what she does in next week’s hashtag episode.