It’s the semifinals of “The Great British Baking Show” and while we can’t be sure who will make it to the grand finale, we can be sure that Matt Lucas will be performing his ‘adult baby’ schtick this week!
I’m Daniel Trainor and while I have been called an adult baby before, rest assured that my mental stability is that of a tween!
I’m Sam Stone and if you ask me, ‘patisserie’ has one too many consonants to be trusted.
Let’s get French, ladies.
SS: As you may have gleaned, it is indeed Patisserie Week in the tent, and expectations are sky high for the bakers, but it’s Hermine who receives extra scrutiny this week as our reigning Patisserie Queen/Miss Congeniality.
DT: Laura, meanwhile, says she’s nervous because she’s just a “home baker.” Isn’t that the concept of the entire show, girlie?
SS: Peter, on the other hand, is thrilled to be making patisserie because of the required precision and structure. Sounds like the kind kid who wouldn’t let you copy his math homework because “how would you learn?” (I have a degree in art, if you couldn’t tell)
DT: The bakers are asked to make 12 identical patisserie savarins (a word I had to look up in the dictionary).
SS: Laura also had to look up savarins, but, alas, couldn’t figure out how to pronounce the word despite her medium efforts.
DT: Laura and Hermine both choose to make rum babas. Laura is using fresh yeast in her batch, which draws ire from Paul. I’m not sure what it says about my life that I’m on pins and needles about yeast, but here we are.
SS: Dave is making a tequila-based savarin, and I feel comfortable sharing that I think Dave has a weird thing for Mexico. Isn’t this his third Mexican inspired bake? Go on girl! Give us nothing!
DT: Dave shouts “tequila!,” which should be illegal and he absolutely needs to be in prison.
SS: You heard it here first, folks! Dan loves prisons! Does Dan’s family own prisons? Who knows – probably! Ok, sorry, go ahead, warden.
DT: Dave, who has somehow lasted this long despite having a calf tattoo, is using that tequila to soak his mango and passion fruit savarins.
SS: Savarins are typically soaked in some kind of alcohol, but Peter is the only baker in the tent choosing to make a sober savarin. For me, it’s big virgin nerd vibes here, but that’s just my opinion. I just like alcohol, which is why I’m cool and popular. Anyways, you guys going to prom?
DT: Somehow, the British heatwave that has been a storyline all season has not let up and the bakers must be mindful of their proving times. I have been watching this show for years and I’m still not exactly sure I know what proving means.
SS: We’re treated to what seems like hours of Matt Lucas antagonizing Hermine with baby talk, and then, finally, we’re ready for judging.
DT: Perhaps because of Matt’s insufferable desire to perform “comedy” as a toddler, Hermine’s bake doesn’t go particularly well.
SS: While tasting her babas, Paul tells Laura that she’s “a rough diamond that just needs polishing up a little bit,” which is meant to be some kind of cheeky advice, but is really just, uh, incredibly condescending?
DT: Mexico’s biggest fan Dave does very well, but the best critiques are saved for Peter, who gets a handshake from Paul for his sober babas. Peter reacts as if his cold-hearted father has finally told him he loves him.
SS: We move into the Technical Challenge, which, this week, is a Danish cornucopia — basically 12 almond cookies carameled together in a horn shape? I don’t know who’s finding these recipes, but I wonder if they’re feeling sad :/.
DT: A Danish cornucopia basically looks like a sex toy made out of biscuits.
SS: I’m worried you’ve never seen a sex toy.
DT: Worry about your own life, Sam! I’ve seen one. It looks like a toy. And sex. Combined.
SS: Ok, sharp words from Daniel! Guess it was a hard day over at the multiple prisons he owns. Anyways, back to the show!
DT: As the challenge begins, Laura has the most relatable moment in my personal journey with television, and says “I don’t have a logical brain, I can’t do this.”
SS: While Hermine keeps repeating “is this how this is supposed to look?,” Laura sheds a tear or two over her illogical brain which begs the question: how would she react when faced with a challenge greater than making a dozen dry cookies?
DT: Meanwhile, Peter, wearing a towel around his neck like some kind of baking Rocky Balboa, is gleeful about figuring out the mechanics of the challenge.
SS: Bakey Balboa.
SS: Sorry, Rocky Bake-boa.
SS: Nope, last one Rocky Bal-bake-a. Ok, so Rocky Bal-bake-a (reminder: this is the genius nickname I’ve created for Peter) is sweating like a pig, and Noel is characteristically badgering Hermine with “comedy.”
DT: Laura forgets to turn on her oven and exasperatingly says she will bake her cornucopia rings “until they’re brown.” Laura is every Thanksgiving host who inevitably has a mental breakdown at about 2:30 pm when nothing is going right.
SS: The bakers provide wildly differing views on what a cornucopia looks like. David, for one, bravely decides to present a flaccid cookie tower. We celebrate that.
DT: Peter wins the Technical, so it’s been a great day for —
SS: Peter? Sorry, do you mean….
DT: Rocky…Bal-bake-a wins the Technical, so it’s been a great day for men who use “boring” as a personality.
SS: Laura takes last place. Seems like this rough diamond needs some more polishing. God, I love condescending to people.
DT: And just like that, it’s time for the last Showstopper Challenge before the finale. Tensions are high! Adrenaline is flowing!
SS: The bakers are asked to create cube cakes in this challenge. What are cube cakes you ask? They’re cakes that look like cubes!
DT: Wow! Queen Hermine throws caution to the wind, as she often does, and decides to make something she’s yet to practice. I admire Hermine’s bravery, risk-taking and love of DRAMA.
SS: Everyone has trouble getting their cube cakes out of their cube molds, except Peter who’s opted to use a square cake mold which he’ll cut into cubes. The real trouble comes for Laura, though, when her chocolate mirror glaze refuses to stick to her cubes. She copes by flooding her work station with mirror glaze.
DT: Dave, meanwhile, is making a “celebration of chocolate” cake, and it’s about goddamn time unheralded queen Chocolate gets the recognition she deserves.
SS: Finally someone pays attention to chocolate. Peter’s cubes predictably turn out flawlessly, and in judging Paul and Prue have nothing but good things to say.
DT: Hermine really struggles, which is a bummer because it disproves my grand theory that practice is for losers.
SS: Despite looking like a visual representation of my mental state (horrible, sticky, gross) Laura’s cube cakes taste amazing.
DT: Prue calls Hermine’s cake a “failure,” which is not really what you’re looking for. And, please God, don’t tell me…..no……this can’t happen……NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SS: It’s true. Hermine is sent home this week. It seems the producers of this show are avid readers of our gorgeous and expensive sounding recaps and have chosen to torture us all season by sending home our favorite girlies.
DT: I’m absolutely distraught. It doesn’t make any sense. How is Dave (who, I cannot stress enough, HAS A CALF TATTOO) in the finale and not Hermine?
SS: Peter is this week’s Star Baker, but it’s Hermine who’s Star Baker in our hearts. Obviously not literally, because her baking kind of blew chunks this week, but metaphorically.
DT: Alas, we look ahead to next week’s finale and whatever mess Laura will make.
SS: We’d better wrap this up. Final summary: RIP Hermine, Rocky Bal-bake-a is our Star Baker, and Dan may or may not be in love with the prison industrial complex. Anyways, abolish all prisons and we’ll see you next week!