Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: “Can’t Teach an Old Dog New Dominatrix”

For the third week in a row, our ladies are in Portugal, which means it’s time for more poncha and more instances of Candiace Dillard Bassett projecting her unhappiness onto her former friends! When we last left our crew, Ashley was telling headband connoisseur Gizelle and bedazzled hat mogul Robyn that she was giving a character statement to support Monique’s case against Candiace, something that will assuredly go over swimmingly for all parties involved.

We begin right where we left off, with Robyn sitting next to a Portuguese pool in a sweater chastising Ashley for her actions. Gizelle, who pretends to be concerned for the future of Ashley and Candiace’s friendship, is positively salivating about the new drama on the horizon. Ashley says she’s going to break the news to Candiace at tomorrow night’s dominatrix party, naturally. Lord. Ashley is leaving Portugal with a ball gag in her mouth.

After Candiace sings about having a cameltoe into her bathroom mirror and Wendy wishes Karen good morning in the wrong language, it’s off to the hot springs. There is much discussion about the water at the hot springs and what chemicals may, or may not be, involved. The hot springs sound like a beautiful, luxurious vacation destination, but ultimately amount to a freezing cold puddle next to the ocean. Predictably, the entire thing turns into a photoshoot. 

As the women relax on the deck, Ashley starts pumping breast milk with a beer in her hand, which is the single most beautiful example of motherly perseverance I have ever seen. OuT oF noWheRe, Wendy asks Candiace to perform the remixed version of her song “I See You,” something that absolutely nobody else wanted. The two of them obviously had a conversation beforehand where Candiace was like “please ask me to sing at the hot springs.” I’d like to think that Wendy’s constant support and defense of Candiace is all a form of collecting goodwill for when she eventually stabs her in the back. The editors concoct a music video of Candiace’s performance, which is actually very funny. It also bears repeating that “I See You” is….VERY GOOD! See, I can say nice things about Candiace.

While Karen and Ashley attempt to recreate a scene from “Titanic” while forgetting the words to “My Heart Will Go On” (which is actually a sin so Karen and Ashley will now be going to Hell), Gizelle keeps stirring her big ass pot. She asks Candiace how she really feels about her tenuous relationships with both Karen and Ashley, and compliments her for the restraint and poise she showed at dinner the previous night. It’s hilarious, because Candiace gets praised for apologizing to Ashley, but she was FINALLY APOLOGIZING FOR SAYING THAT ASHLEY SHED CROCODILE TEARS ABOUT HER OWN MISCARRIAGE. You don’t get CREDIT for something like that. Geez Louise. That’s how bad people slowly redeem themselves. They do so much nasty shit, so once they show the slightest bit of compassion, it feels like the heavens are parting. I see YOU, Candiace.

Looking like a Chanel store that went through a car wash, Karen video chats with her husband Ray before dinner. Ray has truly never looked happier, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact that his wife is thousands of miles away. Karen promises to bring back a bunch of sexual energy with her to Potomac. I think Karen continues to misread the room when it comes to her marriage. She’s looking to reignite a spark, but Ray has no interest in seeing any sort of flame again, and just wants somebody to make him dinner at 4:30 p.m. in front of a “Judge Mathis” re-run.

At dinner, Robyn asks the other ladies if they’ve been sending x-rated pictures to their significant others back home. Let me tell you something, Robyn. If you’re expecting Juan f’n Dixon to marry your tax evading ass again, you better be sending more than just pics. There need to be videos, time lapses, gifs, motion-capture imagery. You need to be a cinephile, Robyn. Juan deserves the best. If you don’t, Robyn…I will. That’s a threat!

Meanwhile, Candiace decides to take a picture of her boobs underneath a blanket. She says her husband Chris calls her titties “Hershey’s Kisses,” which I call “vile and disgusting.” Chris responds to the picture by saying “y’all are so dumb.” I love ROMANCE!

The next morning, the group takes motorcycles to the place where poncha is made. Poncha is the new seventh Housewife. Poncha has been on this season more than Monique. For the occasion, Gizelle is wearing her new Madeira straw hat, which is the equivalent of walking about Times Square in an “I Love NY” t-shirt. Girl, get it together. While they sip their drinks, embellished hat titan Robyn shows the group her new website, which features photos of all the women…except for Karen. This isn’t even catty, it’s just disturbingly and deliberately rude. Karen, being the above-it-all queen she is, doesn’t pay two minds and brushes the entire thing off. I wouldn’t want to be seen wearing those dumbass hats, either. You’ll have to try harder to ruffle the feathers of Ms. Huger.

Back at the hotel, Gizelle jumps through hoops to defend her relationship with Jamal to both Karen and Ashley. Gizelle, if you’re constantly being forced to explain why your cheating ex-husband doesn’t seem to have very much time for you, it’s time to jump ship. Alas, she never will. So, what’s the point in even trying to give this woman some advice? Just keep FaceTiming him until you’re both dead.

It’s time for the ladies to celebrate their final night in Portugal with a Dominatrix Party. I don’t quite understand anything about this. What’s the point of all these whips and chains if you’re just sitting around a hotel boardroom with your friends? I’d say that it’s just a fun excuse to wear some sexy outfits, but then you see what Gizelle and Ashley strolled in wearing and, uh…well…this ain’t that either! Upon arrival, Robyn tells Karen that she looks like “Cruella de Vil,” which I’m not sure was supposed to be an insult, but Karen took it as one. Let’s just be clear that Miss Cruella is a fierce bitch. But anyway, Karen takes offense and tells Robyn that she looks like “a whore on the street corner.” God bless this woman. I’m shocked Robyn wasn’t wearing a hat that said “SEX” in diamonds.

Candiace arrives at the party looking absolutely stunning, which is now the second nice thing I’ve said about her in this recap. Throw stones at her all you want, but this is somebody who comes to play and I admire that. As the festivities commence, it’s just a bunch of women sitting around with a dildo as Ashley reads questions off her phone. How sexy. Karen reveals that she no longer gives Ray blow jobs and, furthermore, loves a vibrating pillow more than him. It’s not easy to hear that a woman is more intimate with a bag of feathers than her husband of 24 years, but I appreciate Karen bringing something to this boring table other than “I like my neck being touched.”

The women eventually do start cracking whips and humping each other. It’s the least erotic thing you’ve ever seen, but it’s fun. After they sit back down, Ashley tells another story about picking up a stranger at an EDM concert. First, it was David Guetta. Now, it’s Martin Garrix. This girl has a type! And that type is young and full of molly. Somehow, this tale of a stranger sticking her hands down Ashley’s pants in a sea of glow sticks and body odor is the wildest story anybody can bring to the table.

As the night is winding down and Robyn waxes poetically about the group being drama-free, Ashley drops the atomic bomb. She finally reveals that she’s provided a character statement about Candiace in support of Monique. And, surprisingly, it goes over just fine!

hahahahahahahahahahaha j/k Wendy and Candiace lose their shit

Wendy asserts her knowledge of the judicial system as Candiace starts crying and pointing fingers. Ashley, who gets no support from any of the other women mind you, stands her ground with poise and stoicism. It’s a bizarre thing to see somebody completely dragged over the coals for telling the truth. It’s some gaslighting shit. Candiace has every right to be disappointed, but to criticize a woman who you’ve previously assaulted verbally and nearly physically for coming to the defense of her friend? And she’s telling you to your face? Not gonna work, ma’am!

After Ashley leaves the lion’s den, it’s Karen’s turn to ride the blame carousel. She says she’s been sitting on some information about the incident with Monique, but she can’t discuss it. I guess it’s some debate about whether Candiace “threw” or “released” her wine glass? Whatever the case, Karen continues to be the only level-headed person in the room and gets her ass dragged from here to kingdom come for absolutely no reason. Candiace gets even more emotional and says that she’s on anxiety medication and wakes up every day fearful of what Monique is going to do next. Girl, you’re talking about a woman who potty-trained a bird. She isn’t doing anything.

But this is how people like Candiace persist and survive and, ultimately, thrive. They pull you into their chaos and break you down until you’ve bought into the bullshit, too. Candiace goes back to her room and calls her husband Chris, who says everything she wants to hear. One phrase, in particular, stood out to me. Chris said “focus on the ones that are on your team,” and that’s what this really boils down to, right? It’s all a game. Candiace can’t stand that Karen refuses to pick a side and play. She can’t stand that Ashley won’t let her blow Monique off the field. Candiace thought she’d be able to call for the mercy rule by now, but she’s in a fight that she never expected. 

And we know how she fares in those.