Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: “Nobody Likes A Gangbang”

“Now that I have my baby…that’s the only crap I take.” 

Ashley Darby, you are testing me. Oof, this tagline. Not only is Miss “I’m scared to go outside with my baby because of squirrels” really obsessed with her newborn son’s wet shits, she’s making me nervous about the trajectory of this season. I don’t need my ladies of Potomac talking too much about infants and husbands and pet birds. We’re veering into dangerous territory! Bravo…don’t mess with me!!! If I see more of Ashley’s baby’s poop than I do dinner parties this season, I will be calling the authorities and I will be filing charges. 

We begin in the aftermath of Candiace’s Denim and Diamonds party, which wasn’t so much a party as it was a gathering of Candiace’s contractually obligated friends standing around an event space drinking cocktails they were forced to pay for. But I digress.

Karen is making noises that are meant to mimic orgasms, but she’s really just doing crunches in her empty ass house while Ray wonders when he gets to die. I, personally, would love more of a backstory on Karen’s trainer Georgi. Maybe an address? A phone number? Call me, Georgi! Meanwhile, Karen reveals that Ray will no longer say that he loves her. Karen, girl, why are we doing squats in the basement for a man who clearly checked out of this marriage years ago? I don’t care if they’ve been married for 23 years, Karen needs to hop on Georgi before I get a chance. Clock is ticking, Karen!

Gizelle, looking like a MILLION DOLLARS USD, meets up with Monique for lunch. Monique doesn’t have her bird, which must be difficult for her. Gizelle orders risotto for an outdoor lunch, which makes me very anxious and hot. The two have a cordial, windy meal. In her testimonial, Monique says Gizelle needs to stop acting “like a bottom behind trick,” which is making me think about Georgi again. 

Both Gizelle and Monique are worried about Ashley’s mental state and the fact that she refuses to leave the house, so they plan a dinner party in her honor which is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING, LADIES. That’s like when I’m depressed and friends tell me to go for a walk. The fresh air won’t do me any good, thank you very much. However, if this means we get Ashley and Candiace in the same room, I will not complain. Let’s put some slippers on Ashley and push her out the door.

Meanwhile, we dig a little bit deeper into the Charisse mess from last week. Monique doesn’t want to discuss the rumors that Charisse has been spreading about her family, but Gizelle has no problem with it and that’s why we love her. Monique has allegedly been messing around with her trainer. IS IT GEORGI????!!! Monique is upset that Candiace invited Charisse to her engagement party given the circumstances, and the seeds for the feud get planted even deeper. Candiace is a very talented gardener. 

Oh god, it’s time for Ashley and her baby. Look, I’m not trying to mom shame or belittle her experience. I think it’s beautiful! Motherhood is a blessing! Life is a gift! But let’s do it off camera! Ashley remains absolutely obsessed with talking about her son’s bodily functions and it’s verging on psychopathic. But, have no fear, we are introduced to “Lactation Specialist” Amber and things are looking up! Amber is absolutely horny for breast milk and her energy is erotic. Not only is Amber hot for lactation, she appears to be in a committed relationship with a crocheted boob. She devours a titty home ec project like a goddamn Reuben sandwich. Amber is a freak and she needs to be cast on the show.

Candiace and Wendy meet for lunch (these women love lunch as much as I do, which is why I feel such a kinship). These two are an odd couple if there ever was one and I’m here for it. Wendy doesn’t play, though. It will be interesting to see if Candiace attempts to put that knife in Wendy’s back at some point, as Candiace is inclined to do. Something tells me she knows better. The two have a very candid conversation about motherhood, which I appreciated. Candiace talked about the adjustment one has to make when all of your friends suddenly have kids. She really is an enigma, because there can be so much vulnerability exuding from her and then she’ll turn around and threaten to stab you with a knife. That’s called depth.

The wheels are in motion for Ashley’s “Coming Out Of The House” party. The kindest thing they could have done for this woman was to give her a spa day or something, but instead, they’ve decided to put her in a room with her enemies. God bless. 

But not before another lunch! This time, it’s Gizelle meeting up with Juan and, let me tell you, I am hungry in more ways than one. After an odd preamble, Juan tells Gizelle that he is going to propose to Robyn again. That’s all well and good, but the real elephant in this weird beach-themed seafood restaurant room is that the chemistry between Gizelle and Juan is off the charts. It’s palpable. It’s electric. My crotch is on fire. Gizelle gives Juan advice for the ring she wishes he was buying for her and the two laugh and laugh over lobster rolls. Or salads. Or steaks. I’m not sure. I was too busy sweating.

Ashley tells her husband Chris that she peed on a stick, to which Chris questions “pregnancy test?” This is a smart man. The two talk about whether or not it’s time for a baby, and Chris says he’s ready. Candiace, a woman who has a plant named Louise, is uncertain if she can be a good mother at this moment. Or ever. To me, it seems like Candiace wants what all of the other women have. I’m not sure it’s actually about a baby. Speaking of things we may or may not want: I need a man to plop down a plate of breakfast for me every morning like Chris. I’ve never really understood Candiace and Chris, but when I saw that service, it all clicked. So what if the sex is apparently mediocre? Make me breakfast and we’re good. These women love food. I feel seen.

The moment has arrived: it’s time for Ashley to leave the house. Before she makes her entrance, however, Gizelle has more tea to spill to Monique about the Charisse of it all. While Candiace is very good at planting all these seeds, Gizelle is responsible for watering them. She goes around with her hose and makes these rumors blossom. It’s the only green thumb I’ve ever cared about. 

Candiace, who does every little Housewives thing exactly right, shows up late to Ashley’s party with Wendy in tow. There’s nothing like arriving at a gathering of adversaries with a lawyer in your back pocket. The dinner is calm and easy. Wendy, who I really think has established herself as a force to be reckoned with faster than any Housewife in history, is fancy free despite having her baby a full two weeks after Ashley. The ladies all order their dinners and then, unfortunately, Ashley says she has a tear in her butthole. There’s no easy way to say this. Ashley, yes, has a gaping hole in her ass. A crevasse in her crease. Ashley, who has maybe gone insane during her time inside, doesn’t seem to understand that people don’t enjoy eating their Branzino while hearing about her punctured anus. 

Ashley manages to pivot the conversation to Candiace’s Denim and Diamonds party, to which she was not invited. Under her breath, Monique says that the party was fine, except for when she had to “dodge a warthog” and was “dodging a walrus.” Not on the shortlist of animals I’d like to be called. Unfortunately, the warthog and walrus in question is the elusive Charisse. At some point, we’re going to need to make sure Charisse gets a seat at the table. I do think it’s a rule that if you get called a warthog on national television, you should get a chance to respond. Candiace plays dumb and says that she didn’t know Monique and Charisse were LIKE THAT. It’s clearly a bold-faced lie. Monique says three of the worst words in the Housewives language: “we’ll talk later.” No ma’am, you’re sitting across from each other at dinner. You will talk now.

Gizelle, only interested in squashing one beef at a time, makes the moment about Candiace and Ashley. This little faction that’s been formed between Gizelle and Monique is interesting. They’re a foil for Candiace and Wendy. I’m ready for shit to explode. Meanwhile, Robyn is off at the end of the table just enjoying her pasta. Robyn stays in her lane and we admire that. 

Monique and Ashley aren’t interested in addressing their issues at the table, either, but things start popping off anyway.! Just as the pot is about to boil over, Candiace tells Gizelle to “shut the fuck up” and, oh no, YouInDangerGirl.gif. We are graced with a “To Be Continued…”

Even when these women are in the midst of making a pact not to fight in public, they fight in public, which is delicious. There are tenuous alliances being formed here and it’s only a matter of time before things get vicious. In fact, next week the pettiness reaches new heights as the aforementioned warthog and walrus herself graces us with her presence again.

CHARISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE!!!!!!!!

Until next time! I’m gonna go stalk Georgi.