Retrospective: Worst Picture/Best Picture: ‘Gigli’ and ‘The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King’ (2003)

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“The first ten minutes weren’t so bad but then I realized I was in “Finding Nemo”. When I made my way to the right theater- I was horrifed! This was Gigli?” – robojesus777, IMDb.com

“After seven years, a $300 million budget and three films that add up to more than the sum of their parts, the Rings trilogy is more than a movie. It’s a colossus on the march into screen legend.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Let’s Get Lord

It all began with the forging of the Great Statues in 1929. But they were all of them deceived, for twelve years later another statue was made, an Original Screenplay statue. The power of the statue could not be undone. But the hearts of Bostonians are easily corrupted, and the statue of power has a will of its own. And for fifty-seven years the statue passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the statue ensnared a new bearer. The statue came to the creature Ben Affleck, who took it deep into the tunnels of Fenway Park, and there it consumed him. The statue gave Affleck unnatural long box office success. For five years it poisoned his mind; and in the gloom of Affleck’s stadium, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. But then something happened that Affleck did not intend. He was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A Fly Girl, Jennifer Lopez, of the Block. For the time will soon come when Hustlers will shape the fortunes of all…

Just when you thought I was out, I pulled myself back in. I’d like to say it’s taken me so long to write this newest entry of the series in order to celebrate the two films’ twentieth anniversary wins, but I’d be lying, it’s mainly because I’m just a huge procrastinator and I’ve been lazier than Gollum in his cave. Also, do you know how difficult it is to condense an epic trilogy into about 10 paragraphs? So, with that being said, I’ll take you back to 2003 where I talk about the conclusion of a nine hour epic, and a film that also felt like nine hours.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is the final chapter of the J.R.R. Tolkien trilogy, it’s an amazing epic that takes place over vast lands and countless characters are introduced with many battles to save the world. So let’s get you up to speed in one sentence. There’s a ring that everyone wants their hands on, but the little hobbit Frodo (Elijah Wood) and his band of friends go on a quest to destroy it before evil forces can get their hands on it to take over the world. The books are so beloved, that of course the films were gonna be a success, and director Peter Jackson had done a great job with the first two films. But unfortunately the first film The Fellowship of the Ring lost Best Picture to A Beautiful Mind, so Jackson figured he might have a better chance if he included the paranoid Schizophrenic Gollum (Andy Serkis) in his next film. But unfortunately, The Two Towers lost Best Picture to Chicago, so Jackson figured he might have a better chance if he included a couple musical numbers in his next film. Which is where The Return of the King begins. After Frodo’s gang split up in the previous film, the fellow hobbits Pippin (Billy Boyd) and Merry (Dominic Monaghan) reunite with the other fellowship and they celebrate by having some ale and dancing and singing at a tender bar.

Gigli is the final chapter of director Martin Brest’s filmography. No, he’s not dead, but this film basically tossed his career into a pit of fire and he hasn’t made a film since. It’s an amazing epic that takes place over the vast La La Land and not many characters are introduced with no battles and maybe a life or two has to be saved. The film begins with the suave hitman Gigli (Ben Affleck) who is sent on a quest by his mobster boss to retrieve an important item. That item happens to be mentally challenged Brian (Justin Bartha), brother of a lawyer who’s causing some problems for the boss. Brian is a lot like Rain Man, they’ve each got their favorite TV shows, they sometimes freak out when people try to touch them, and they both had a memorable time in Las Vegas. And like Rain Man, our protagonist snatches him from his ward.

Back in Tolkien Town, as the other fellowship are having fun, Frodo, his pal Sam (Sean Astin) and the slithery Gollum the Grey are heading to Mordor to climb Mount Doom and drop the ring in the volcano to destroy it. Gollum isn’t too happy about that, because he likes his precious ring. Like Brian to Gigli, Gollum really is a pest to Sam and Frodo, but they need him. And like Brian, Gollum says “precious” about as many times as he says “fuck”. While the two aren’t looking, Gollum keeps trying to come up with ways to screw up their friendship so that eventually he can get a hold of the ring himself. He talks to himself and his evil counterpart in his reflection in order to come up with a strategy. Sometimes he’ll say Sam ate all of their food, sometimes he’ll say he saw Sam trying to take the ring, the usual mean stuff. Along with the troublesome Gollum, the heroes are also occasionally chased by these random Dementors (or whatever they’re called) that keep bugging them.

Back in Gigli Land, the hitman and his lovable hostage are always bickering. But luckily the bossman sent the sexy hitwoman Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to help out Gigli in looking over Brian. Even though he isn’t too keen on this idea since he’s a bit offended that his boss doesn’t trust that he can do the job, Gigli is immediately attracted to her looks. I mean, who wouldn’t be, her clothes are so small and tight you’d think she bought them at the Shire. Pumping himself up to get with her, he talks to himself in the mirror like our buddy Gollum. But unfortunately he quickly finds out that she’s just not that into him because she’s actually a lesbian. You’d think after he discovered that he’d say “begone, girl”, but no, he still thinks he’s got a chance.

While the mountaineers are bickering with each other, the rest of the gang are still riding high after their win at the two towers. Traveling around for a bit, Pippin picks up this giant shiny Magic 8 Ball and sees that the outlook is not so good for the nearby kingdom Gondor. So the wise Gandalf (Ian McKellan) tells them all to ride with him so they can warn the kingdom. However, Gondor’s ruler Denether doesn’t buy it, so he just shrugs them off, though he does accept Pippin’s offer to be his servant for a bit. Like Madonna in Swept Away, slave Pippin is made to sing by his owner Denether, but thankfully he isn’t forced to also have sex with him. The song isn’t too bad, but it’s certainly no “You All Everybody” by his fellow hobbit, Merry.

As all the adventurers are walking around, our LA heroes get some Walken as well, when detective Jacobellis (Christopher Walken) stops in to tell Gigli of the missing Brian and asks if he knows of anything. Gigli finds out that Brian isn’t just the brother of some random lawyer, but of the federal prosecutor, so he starts to get a bit worried. The trio go for a drive calm down even though Brian still bugs the hell out of Gigli. Like Pippin, Brian too has a thing for big round globes and he is determined to go to a filming of Baywatch. They stop at a diner to distract Brian from pursuing his sexual desires, but while there some fellow patrons are making a ruckus. Ricki doesn’t like that at all, so she confronts the high school hooligans and threatens them with her knowledge of the ancient art of Tai Moi Chai. Her monologue of the fighting style is about as long as the Battle of Helm’s Deep, but this doesn’t include dwarf tossing, so it’s not as engaging.

Back at JRTo Land, the action is indeed about to happen at Gondor and everyone prepares to battle the wretched orcs. The usual fighters get ready, our hero Aragorn (Viggo Moretensen), the elf Legolas (Orlando Bloom), and the dwarf Gigli, I mean Gimli (Jonathan Rhys-Davies). Even noblewoman Eowyn (Miranda Otto) manages to sneak into uniform in hopes to kick some ass. Though they’re certainly brave, they feel they’re a bit outnumbered, so they go to ask some zombies to help them join the fight. The frighteners agree, so they all head off to war together. They’ve certainly got a plethora of soldiers, it’s quite the justice league.

Meanwhile, Gigli is getting ready for battle as well, he has to go see his ma. At first she yells him at him because he doesn’t want her to keep asking him over to do mundane tasks. She replies “When you gonna get your act together? I’m your mama.” But really, she mainly asked to see him so he could give her a shot in the ass, but most importantly it was to introduce Ricki to her so she could know that she’s a lesbian and they could have some girl talk together. Speaking of girl talk, along with being all horny and wanting to see Baywatch, Brian also frequently makes a phone call to hear the local weather reports of Australia because he likes the woman’s voice. Good thing he didn’t call to hear the New Zealand reports, who knows which creature would have answered the phone for that one. Speaking of the land down under, the characters in this film sure do mention animals a lot. So much so you’d think this movie could’ve been called Leonard Part 7.

After a successful trick by Gollum, Frodo yells at Sam and tells him to go home. But without his trusting friend, Frodo is led into a cave with a giant spider. With no Will Smith to save him, Frodo is nearly killed by the giant tarantula. Luckily, he manages to escape, and after being attacked by the pissed off Gollum, Frodo manages to throw him off a cliff. Thankfully, Frodo doesn’t lose his ability to see the color red after seeing the fall, so he’s back on his mission. But dammit, that pesky spider comes back and bites Frodo. All dazed and confused, Frodo is captured by the orcs, but this time Sam shows up to save the day and rescues him from those ugly scoundrels. In fact, when Sam killed one of the orcs he cried “This is for my Gaffer”, I was a little upset that he also didn’t mention his Grip.

Returning home from their trek to Mrs. Gigli’s place, little Gigli is still determined to pounce on Ricki, especially since he overheard her talking with his ma saying that she has indeed been with men in the past. So, he insists on trying to persuade her to change lanes and instead be with the likes of him. He continues by saying how great men are, and how lesbians chose the wrong path because they’re missing out on the beauties of the penis. However, Ricki contorts and retorts by saying that the penis looks like a sea slug while meanwhile a vagina is the twin sister of the mouth. Tolkien couldn’t have written it better himself.

Back on the battlefield, Armageddon is taking place. Lots of orcs have arrived along with their giant elephants, but with the help of our ragtag team, things are starting to look up. Thankfully the elephants are just stampeding over all the soldiers and nothing more, we all know what happened to Tom Green. Legolas and Gigli, I mean Gimli, are doing their typical kill count competition, and Merry has joined in with Eowyn to take down some elephants. Lots of action takes place, orcs killed, elephants slaughtered, and disgruntled dwarfs running amok. Eowyn is doing pretty good herself until that man without a face shows up. Not picking up the scent of a woman, the evil head Dementor wannabe says that no man can kill him, but she manages to overpower him at the lost moment, and before stabbing him in his missing face, she reveals herself and cries out “I am no man”. Ricki would be so proud.

Meanwhile, Gigli gets a call from one of his superiors, the annoying Louis, telling him that the boss now wants him to cut off Brian’s thumb. Gigli is starting to like the lovable fool so he of course doesn’t want to do this dastardly deed. This is quite the violent film, thankfully we won’t be getting any detached digits in The Lord of the Rings. Unlike Aragorn and his medieval misfits who visit the entire dead community and ask them to join their army, Gigli only visits one dead guy so he can steal his thumb.

After a lot of death and destruction, our heroes are victorious and celebrate. However, before Merry and Pippin can have a pint and dance on the tables at the pub, Gandalf starts to worry that the retreating orcs will start to go after Frodo and Sam. So, to distract the bad guys from climbing the mountain, he tells Aragorn to reassemble his fantasy fighters to attack those treacherous orcs. His speech to the soldiers isn’t as uplifting as Maximus or William Wallace, but it’ll do.

Back in Gigli Land, the hitman is so persistent and still insists that Ricki shed her homosexual lifestyle and just have him. Finally she gives in, maybe because she’s so swooned by him or maybe just to shut him up. The age of lesbians is over, the time of turkeys has come. Gobble, gobble.

While things start steaming up between Gigli and Ricki, it’s even hotter between Frodo and Sam. At the foot of the volcano, Frodo is extremely tired but Sam tells him “We never quit, we never rest in Mordor. If I ain’t wrong, we’d probably die in Mordor.” They’ve finally reached the entrance to Mount Doom, but wouldn’t you know it, that irritating Gollum has been following them the whole time and was just out of sight. Just as Frodo is about to drop the ring into the volcano, Gollum pounces on him and bites off his finger to get the precious. Luckily, right after he finally got what he wanted, Frodo managed to push him off a cliff again, but this time Gollum fell into the lava along with his precious ring. Unfortunately, Frodo also fell off the cliff as well, but he managed to hold onto the side and dangle above the fire. Sam quickly goes after him and says to Frodo, “Don’t you worry, it’s gonna be alright. ‘Cause I’m always ready, I won’t let you out of my sight.” Thankfully without Macaulay Culkin hanging off the cliff next to Frodo, Sam doesn’t have to choose between the two, so he manages to grab Frodo and save him from falling in the fire. However, right after they saved the entire world, the volcano decides to erupt. As they’re awaiting certain death from the incoming lava, the two reminisce about the days at the Shire. While Frodo is mentioning all trees and food and smells, just like Brian and Gigli, Sam goes right to thinking about having sex with one of the women hobbits.

As Sam is dreaming of being with a woman, Gigli is celebrating having just been with one. Unfortunately, the next day he once again gets another call from the irksome Louis. Apparently the boss Starkman (Al Pacino) wants to see Louis and the two new loveturkeys. Gigle makes Brian some breakfast and tells him to behave and not leave until he gets back. Brian says he’s not hungry, but Gigli responds saying that there are starving people in New Zealand who haven’t had their second breakfast. It turns out the boss is pretty upset with them, especially since he knows that the thumb wasn’t Brian’s. To prove his frustration he shoots Louis in the head. Since we already know Ricki is brilliant at getting out of bad situations thanks to her poetic Tai Moi Chai speech from earlier, she once again works her magic. She convinces Starkman that it was stupid to ask for Brian’s thumb in the first place since the attorney will most certainly be determined to find out who did it. Instead, she tells him that they’ll be sure that Brian is taken care of and not to worry about the police catching Starkman. Faster than you can say Sarumon, the evil Starkman is never seen for the rest of the film.

Though Gigli and Ricki managed to escape from death, Frodo and Sam aren’t so lucky. Because right after they saved the entire world, the volcano decides to erupt. As they’re awaiting certain death from the incoming lava, the two reminisce about the days at the Shire. While Frodo is mentioning all trees and food and smells, just like Brian and Gigli, Sam goes right to thinking about having sex with one of the women hobbits. Just then, though they’re not as reliable as turkeys, some giant eagles finally decided to lend a claw and they swoop in to save Frodo and Sam in the nick of time. With the ring destroyed, the battle down below quickly ends and things start to get back to normal. This will give everyone reason to dance and love and dance again.

While Frodo and Sam are flying back to the Shire on some eagles, Gigli and Ricki are riding into the west coast with Brian in the backseat of the convertible so they can finally drop him off for good and return him to his brother. Going along the Pacific ocean and saying their goodbyes to Brian, they pass a filming of Baywatch taking place on the beach. Brian freaks out because he finally will get a chance to use his baster on some turkeys. Though at first hesitant saying that one does not simply walk into Baywatch, Gigli gives in and lets Brian have some fun and they head down just as the taping is about to begin. And as we all know, in Hollywood, film sets welcome all pedestrians to join their sets with no questions asked. With Brian dancing and being a part of the shoot, Gigli and Ricki leave him and drive off together. I don’t know, it’s a nice ending, but I don’t think their relationship will last.

Well, that’s the end of Gigli, and now we’re halfway through the summary of Return of the King, now let’s get to the end of the film. The heroic Frodo is resting after a long journey. His fellowship welcome him home and they all celebrate together. With that crazy Denether dead, Aragorn is crowned the new king of Gondor, but since Pippin isn’t his servant, he decides to sing a song himself. The hobbits return to the Shire, and the horny Sam Gamgigli sees his hobbelle and asks her to marry him, marry him. It all seems like things are finally working out, but unfortunately, thanks to that stupid spider bite, Frodo isn’t quite himself anymore, so he decides to join Gandalf and go with the Elves to their land so he won’t have to worry about dying. This of course makes Sam cry, but when doesn’t Sam cry over Frodo, so it’s not a big deal. Besides, Cate Blanchett is onboard, maybe Frodo can woo her with the weather forecast of the Shire.

So, how do the two films compare? Sure, Return of the King likes to brag that it’s the first film to win 11 out of 11 at the Oscars, but Gigli is the first film to win the top 5 awards at the Razzies, with Picture, Actor, Actress, Actress, and Screenplay, I think that is a more impressive accomplishment. And yeah, The Lord of the Rings has a lot to offer, but some may say too much to offer. The film is over three hours long with about ten endings, and that’s just the theatrical version. At least Gigli offers us only about half an ending. And throughout the movie Bilbo is writing this extremely long book, so long in fact that Frodo has to take over and finish it. And if that’s not enough, Frodo then tells Sam to keep writing it after he leaves. At least Gigli doesn’t even have books at his place and only reads the labels off of Tabasco sauce. And while Lord of the Rings does have some nice songs here and there, it’s not nearly as effective as Brian’s beautiful rendition of “Baby Got Back.” I mean, I like Billy Boyd and I cannot lie, but I would have much preferred our pal from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Mr. Spock to make an appearance and sing us a song or two. Sure, a con in Gigli is the appearance of Al Pacino, but at least he got this one out of the way and won’t be in any more films that will hurt his career. And at least Peter Jackson got Lord of the Rings out of the way and will go on to trying out a variety of other genres in the future, because who wouldn’t after having spent several years working on the same film?. In the end, it’s tough to choose which film is better, but either way, Bennifer or Elisean, they both make a cute couple.