Retrospective: Worst Picture/Best Picture Series – Bolero and Amadeus (1984)

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lida MacGillivery, two brilliant artists who are masters in their work. Wolfie, a composer who makes exquisite music almost without even trying, and Lida, an exquisite woman who has trouble losing her virginity almost without even trying.

BOLERO and AMADEUS

BOLERO – “This erotic drama is wonderfully filmed, whether the English countryside, Spain or Bo’s cleavage it all looks good.” – suspiria10, IMDb.com

AMADEUS – “The film is constructed in wonderfully well-written and acted scenes — scenes so carefully constructed, unfolding with such delight, that they play as perfect compositions of words.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

Each film begins with a striking image. At the start of Amadeus, two friends of Antonio Salieri pound on his door at night after hearing a scream. They finally break in and see the composer covered in blood holding a knife as he falls to the ground with a slit throat. At the start of Bolero, young woman Lida has just graduated from her all girl high school. In celebration she strips off her graduation robe, run naked in the field of the school and lifts up her skirt to show her teachers her ass. It will definitely be tough to top both opening scenes. Wearing Oscar winning make up, F. Murray Abraham is very believable as an elderly suicidal man. And wearing clothes, Bo Derek is very believable as an 18-year-old high school graduate.

Both films begin with the protagonists yearning for something, one to gain something and another to lose something. Though the title of the film is Amadeus, the film is narrated by and follows Salieri and his struggle to become successful and a brilliant composer. Meanwhile, after Lida has graduated from school, her sole mission is to lose her virginity even if she has to travel across the world. Sallieri found himself in Vienna, performing for the Emperor and Lida found herself in Morocco, trying to perform for the Sheik.

Lida’s presence in Morocco is a key moment and proves the film is rich in authenticity and brilliant dialogue. After traveling with her faithful chauffeur Cotton (played by Oscar-winner George Kennedy), they arrive to the distant land and she finds the mysterious Sheik. She approaches him and says “I have come all this way to give you something you may not even want: my virginity.” Intrigued, the Sheik replies “I’ve never been given this gift before.” The next day, Lida tells her friend Catalina of last night’s experience. Seducing the Sheik with a sultry belly dance, the Sheik is so speechless that the film uses intertitles for dialogue. At least intertitles are better than talking backwards. As one typically does to their 18-year-old virgins, he pours honey on her stomach and starts licking it up. While this seductive scene is extremely erotic, unfortunately, Lida made the whole thing up. In reality, before she was to get doused with the nectar, the Sheik smoked some hookah and passed out. Oh, what’s a poor 18-year-old virgin to do?

Meanwhile, Salieri seems to be doing well for himself. Emperor Joseph II is a fan of his work and his life is good. However, soon the young composer Wolfgang “Wolfie” Mozart arrives. Salieri quickly becomes jealous of his talent. The Word of Wolfie’s greatness reaches Italy and the Emperor wants to meet the prodigy. When the two meet, the Emperor tells of their first meeting when Wolfie was only around six years old. After performing a piece, Wolfie jumped into Antoinette, the Emperor’s sister’s arms and shouted “Will you marry me, yes or no?” The Emperor, played by Jeffrey Jones, was probably disappointed that the young boy didn’t propose to him instead.

After Wolfie upstages Salieri in front of the Emperor and his peers by effortlessly improving the welcome march, the discussion of a new opera is brought up. They have trouble deciding which language the opera should be in, German or Italian. It is similar to a scene in Bolero, Lida has trouble deciding which country she should loser her virginity in. Switzerland? Germany? She ends up choosing Spain because who wouldn’t want to be ridden like a bull by a bullfighter?

Though Wofie is a genius, he also is struggling financially. His wife Constanze brings his works to Salieri to see if he can help them. Even though he despises Wolfie, he still tries to come off as a gentleman and unfazed by his rival’s brilliance. He tries to ease the tension by offering her some desserts, some decorated chestnuts called The Nipples of Venus. Similarly, Lida tries to ease the tension with many around her by offering them The Nipples of Lida.

In Spain, Lida searches for a good five minutes before she finds the one she wants to have his way with her. Angel, a matador, winery owner, horse trader, and sex god, catches her eye. Unfortunately, Angel isn’t as smitten by her as she is with him. In fact, he seems to be surrounded by women, including a very jealous girlfriend who despises Lida. Luckily, Angel grants Lida her wish and sheds her of her virginity. I guess her dressing up as a ghost finally showed him how erotic Lida is. Apparently ghosts can do it. But I bet taking a ton of her love potion, aka opium, probably helped her get him to bed as well.

As all this is going on in Spain, back in Vienna Wolfie is hard at work writing operas. Unfortunately, even though he’s constantly at work he never seems to be getting paid and he also seems to be throwing away the money for booze and balls. It also doesn’t help that his father has shown up to hang out with him and keeps pestering him. Yet the music keeps coming and keeps impressing everyone in Europe, including the envious Salieri. Finally, while attending a masked ball where Wolfie farts in his general direction, Salieri has finally snapped and he starts to concoct a brilliant scheme. After Wolfie’s father’s sudden death, Salieri decides to dress up as Mozart senior’s masked ball costume to scare Wolfie and persuade him to write a requiem for him. Well, if Wolfie won’t make Salieri a successful requiem after seeing a ghost, at least he might try to take the ghost’s virginity.

Freshly de-virginized, Lida and Angel have sex constantly, much to Angel’s dog’s disapproval. And just when all things seem to be going Lida’s way, Angel needs to go and get gored near the groin by one of his bulls. Though he survived, he’s hospitalized and it appears he may never walk again. Devastated by the accident, Lida goes to Cotton to be comforted. After having sex with one of his friends and kissing some horses, Cotton gives her some words of wisdom and tells her to stay strong. Unfortunately, just as she starts to feel better, the sleepy Sheik returns in his airplane to kidnap Lid and take her up on her offer to take her virginity. In a very thrilling moment which some may find implausible, Lida and the Sheik start to take off as Cotton grabs onto the back of the plane hoping to stop it. Flying over the water, Lida tells the Sheik that she’s flattered by what he’s doing but tells him she’s no longer a virgin. Appearing to be unfazed by her statement, the Sheik still goes through with his kidnapping but Lida jumps out of the plane, and we never him again.

After jumping out of the plane the next scene shows Lida safely at home with the fallen Angel. Having lost all hope of recovery, Angel just wallows away in bed with his dog who is extremely happy now that the sex has stopped. But Lida hasn’t given up, she has decided that if she trains to be a bullfighter, Angel will be healed. With a series of montages, Lida becomes quite good at being a matador and Angel’s health starts to improve. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Wolfie.

Still posing as Wolfie’s friend, Salieri, acting as though he doesn’t know who this mysterious man in the death mask is, offers to help the masterful conductor write the requiem. Literally being worked to death, Wolfie, he lies in bed extremely sick yet still comes up with heavenly hymns as Salieri writes them down. Constanze returns home the next morning to find Salieri passed out on the sofa and Wolfie dead in bead. Furious at Salieri, she takes the freshly written requiem and locks them away. All that work for nothing, if only he had some more chocolate nipples perhaps he could have persuaded her.

At first glance, one would say Amadeus is about music and Bolero is about sex, but in reality both films are all about horses. Horses appear all throughout both films. Yes, Lida wants to lose her virginity, but a vital task of hers is to have her own horse. Shortly after meeting the sheik he shows her his horses and she knows instantly she has chosen the right sheik. And there is no question as to why she chose that particular wine selling-horse raising-bullfighter as her lover. And in Amadeus there are many horses. One of the first scenes of Emperor Joseph II he is riding a horse, and during that scene he makes the decision to meet Wolfie, setting up the competition between him and Salieri. At the masked ball, Wolfie chooses a horse as his mask, and this is the same ball that Salieri attends where he sees Wolfie’s father wearing the eventual death mask. And of course, the comical opera’s key character is a horse that eats simple things and turns them into better items when they come out of its ass. It can’t be a coincidence that Amadeus concludes with Wolfie’s lifeless body being carried away to be buried by horses while Bolero ends with Lida riding her new horse like Lady Bodiva which saves her lover and causes them have passionate love in a blissful dreamland. Horses killed Wolfie and horses saved Lida. If only Constanze had stripped off her clothes and jumped on a horse rather than locking up his music, maybe Wolfie would still be alive.

Amadeus is the reteaming of the Oscar-winning director Milos Forman and the Oscar winning producer Saul Zaentz who worked together on One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Meanwhile, Bolero is the reteaming of the Razzie nominee John Derek and his Razzie winning wife, actress Bo Derek. Amadeus won Milos and Saul Oscars once again and Bolero won Bo a Razzie once again and John finally receiving his. Apparently one must pop their wife’s cherry in order to receive a raspberry.

Directed by her husband John, who is thirty years her senior, Bo Derek could almost be called a real life The Lonely Lady. But unlike Jerilee and her unaccepting screenwriting husband, Bo’s husband let her show off her skills. In their previous film Tarzan, The Ape Man, Bo’s character leaves her home and travels to the jungle to get naked. And in Bolero, Bo’s character leaves her home and travels to Spain to get naked. John really knew how to direct his young bride. Whether it’s the scene with the sheik where he licks her naked body or the scene with the naked matador where she licks his ear, John Derek is crafting a brilliant films. While he’s working his mise en scene, she’s on men. Watching Amadeus, it was obvious it was a Best Picture winner, after all it ended with a funeral, and like Chariots of Fire, Gandhi, and Terms of Endearment, the Academy just loves dead people. Maybe John and Bo will have a better chance with their next film Ghost Can’t Do It.

[author image=”https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1/55_534157521904_4130_n.jpg” ]Jeff spends too much time watching movies, but when he’s not watching them, he helps make them by working in the grip and electric department. Some would say he chose this profession because of the thrill of being on set and helping create art, but the real reason is most G&E don’t need to wear pants. Along with being a film nerd, Jeff enjoys riding his bike everywhere around the Southern California and watching his friends perform improv.[/author]