“They Told Me There’d Be Hot Tea” – All Mariah Carey Albums, Ranked

15. #1’s (1998)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 5 xPlatinum (US); 15 million Worldwide  

Key Tracks: Sweetheart, When You Believe, I Still Believe

Score: 16 of 25 lambs

This is hard to rank because Sweetheart and When You Believe were singles from other albums (Jermaine Dupri’s debut Life in 1472 and The Prince of Egypt soundtrack). Sweetheart is OK but maybe sticks out on an album of #1 hits. When You Believe, forever iconic for pairing Mariah with Whitney Houston, is basically Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better, but about the plague? I Still Believe is easily one of my favorite covers.  

Whenever You Call is an unnecessary retread from a perfectly-fine-to-good Butterfly track, this time with Brian McKnight, which was a thing that used to happen in the late ’90s. The rest are all chart-toppers, which is excellent but does leave out some of her best non-Number Ones (justice for Forever). Add a point for finally releasing Fantasy the way it was meant to be experienced: featuring Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

The Moment (Unranked)

It’s gotta be the entire promotional tour involving When You Believe, right? It not only inspired one of my all-time best tweets from this performance at The Oscars, it birthed the immortal “we’re divas wearing the same dress” bit at the MTV Video Awards in 1998. Mariah saying, “Try it on me!” as she rips off the bottom of her dress? The Moment. 

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14. E=MC² (2008)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 1
Sales: Platinum (US); 2.5 million Worldwide 

Key Tracks: Touch My Body, Bye Bye, I Stay in Love, Side Effects, Migrate, I Wish You Well, Thanx for Nothing

Score: 16.5 out of 25 lambs

The follow-up to her explosive comeback, The Emancipation of Mimi, was always going to be a bit of a letdown. Really all E=MC² going against it is that it’s… a completely solid, mildly unspectacular R&B album by an artist thriving in her second act. What’s an album that is wall-to-wall solid instead of pound-for-pound hits? Well, it’s E=MC².

Touch My Body, the album’s only #1 single, is head and shoulders above the rest of these singles. It’s easily a four-lamb single. I Wish You Well, the album closer, is the standout for me, while Side Effects and Migrate are solid, if not a little try-hard.    

The Moment (Unranked)

Either proving the power of 30 Rock or the fact that Mariah had gotten to the place where she could do whatever the hell she wanted, the plot for Touch My Body‘s video was Kenneth Ellen Parcell fantasizing about seducing Mariah Carey.

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13. The Rarities (2020)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: TBD. 

Essential Tracks: Save the Day, Out Here On My Own, Mesmerized, Here We Go Around Again, Close Your Eyes (acoustic), Can You Hear Me, Loverboy 

Score: 17 out of 25 lambs

I know this might seem low, but considering I’ve only had a few weeks to sit with this piece of ART, I think halfway to a perfect score is a good start. It’s fascinating that a star of Mariah Carey’s caliber celebrating the 30^th anniversary of her debut album would choose to go into the vault to celebrate that milestone. It’s also quite a flex: These are the songs you didn’t get. That’s how good I am. Cause most of these tracks could’ve been all-timers. 

I aggressively don’t like Save the Day as a song or a lead single. Sappy, treacly, and just completely misses the mark in terms of our current cultural moment. Out Here On My Own, though? Inject that right into my veins, babe.

There is some solid stuff here: Slipping Away is really Mariah at the peak of her Daydream powers; Here We Go Around Again sounds like the best Jackson 5 song that never got released. She closes out the album with a 2020 acoustic version of Close Your Eyes from Butterfly, just because she can. There are missteps (No one needed Jazz Mariah on Lullaby of Birdland), but all in all, it’s a testament to the talent that has always been Mariah.  

The Moment (Unranked)

The ‘I don’t know her’ meme came from somewhere, right? Basically, Mariah’s ex-husband Tommy Mottola, becoming more and more a Dynasty villain every second, urged Irv Gotti to procure Jennifer Lopez the Firecracker sample Mariah wanted for Loverboy on the Glitter soundtrack. This blocked Mariah from creating the Loverboy version she had intended. This kicked off a years’ long feud between Mariah and Jennifer Lopez that was orchestrated by a couple of dumb men. It’s kind of gross and unfortunate, and by all accounts deeply affected Mariah’s mental health. Mimi, the Patron Saint of Pettiness, finally getting the version of Loverboy she always wanted is an absolute :: chef’s kiss:: I don’t know a better version. 

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12. Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse (2014)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 127,000 (eek) 

Key Tracks: Beautiful, Art of Letting Go, You Don’t Know What to Do, Meteorite, Cry., Faded

Score: 14 of 25 Lambs

This album has everything you want from Mariah: Vocals, Ballads, Bops, Mid-Tempo, Spoken Word confessionals. It’s a wild ride, and for my money, it’s her most underrated album. 

Beautiful, her collaboration with Miguel should’ve been the song of summer 2014, while Art of Letting Go is classic Mariah balladry. You wanna talk about bops? You Don’t Know What to Do may be the best Mimi bop you don’t know. 

Cry. is among her strongest album openers ever, Faded is classic mid-tempo Mariah, and Heavenly is that Church Mariah I love. Oh, you ever wonder what Mariah would’ve sounded like as a ’70’s disco diva? Listen to Meteorite, a song the gays have indeed failed by not turning it into Mariah’s Throb. (Gayest sentence I’ve ever typed? Maybe.)  

But the album is wildly overstuffed, so the lows are pretty low. Look, I’m just never going to be a fan of an artist sampling their kids being cute, so it’s gonna be a no for me on Supernatural. I’m famously in the bag for any Mariah cover of an 80’s power ballad, but her cover of One More Try is just… fine. Two Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel tracks are re-recorded for no discernable reason: It’s A Wrap, low-key one of my favorite Mariah tracks, is now duet with Mary J. Blige? Sure. And for some reason, in the year of our lord 2014, Mariah decided to collaborate with R. Kelly on a remix of the MOAIA prologue (!), Betcha Gon’ Know. Why? TO WHAT END MARIAH? 

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11. Rainbow (1999)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 2
Sales: 3 x Platinum; 8 million worldwide

Essential Tracks: Heartbreaker, Thank God I Found You, Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme), Crybaby, Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now), Petals, Bliss, After Tonight, 

Score: 16 out of 25 lambs

Rainbow is a weird Mariah album. I’m sure it has some big fans, but for me, the cultural footprint of the album begins and ends with Heartbreaker, a formative song for many gays and particularly white boys who are proud they know the entire Jay-Z rap break (it me!). While having a monster hit is a good thing, it shouldn’t be the only thing you remember about an album. 

In other Rainbow news, Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now) is an absolute favorite, and Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme) is vital to Mariah, so it’s essential to me, I guess. 

I must’ve felt a sort of way about this album when re-listening because my notes are crazy: “Bliss is hot! (actually, maybe her hottest song?); How Much – no thanks; After Tonight is My All but the opposite (what does that mean?); X-Girlfriend wants what the Boy is Mine had, without sharing the vocals; Petals is deeply affecting; Heartbreaker (remix) is completely unnecessary and underwhelming. Boo!” 

In the end, the impact of Heartbreaker can’t be understated – an absolute slayyyyy with a legendary Jay-Z verse. But let’s not forget the iconic music video, a piece of performance art which gave us… Bianca. Mariah had shown a new, more comedically playful side in the Honey era just a few years prior. Still, nothing could prepare us for the zany, almost Looney Tunes-ian side she would show by playing dueling characters fighting over Jerry O’Connell (!!!). 

The Moment (Unranked)

I attended a Mariah Carey concert at Madison Square Garden, and I turned to my friends Doreen and Abbie to say: “Do you think Jay-Z will come out during Heartbreaker? He’s right in Brooklyn!” And then he did, and I blacked out. This had a profound effect on society and thus is the defining Moment for everyone in the world.

#10-#5…