Welcome to the Week 3 recap of RuPaul’s Secret Celebrity Drag Race, a show that continues to exist. We’re thrilled to be back watching another trio of pseudo-celebs try on wigs and laugh hysterically at their own fake boobs.
My name is Daniel Trainor and while I’m not sure any of this should be happening, I cannot turn away.
I’m Sam Stone and while this television prøgrammé is against my ethics and religion, I feel compelled to keep watching straight men misuse drag slang.
Let’s get into the fantasy.
DT: We are introduced to our drag queen mentors this week: Nina West, Kim Chi and Bob The Drag Queen, who begin the episode by wildly speculating about who our “celebrities” will be this week. Shirley Temple? Kareem-Abdul Jabbar?? NANCY REAGAN?!?!
SS: Shockingly, none of those people would ever agree to do this show, but our actual contestants are revealed to be Alex Newell, Dustin Milligan, and Matt Iseman.
DT: Alex enters the werk room confidently, seemingly very familiar with all things “Drag Race,” Dustin enters with a line about how “fishy” he is which made all my hair fall out and Matt lumbers in, effortlessly taking the title of Largest Man To Have Ever Existed.
SS: Matt blandly states “Move over bitches, there’s a new queen in town” with so little charisma that it led me to believe he was indeed sleepwalking.
DT: Dustin looks like a pit crew member who booked a couple Toyota commercials and started doing too much yoga, but it works?
SS: It doesn’t.
DT: To each their own! Our newbie queens are asked to get into “quick drag” for Queerleader Tryouts. Queerleader, coincidentally, was my nickname in high school.
SS: It’s not a nickname if you insist everyone call you that.
DT: Dustin ends up looking like Cheri Oteri as a Spartan cheerleader after getting railed behind the bleachers. Matt looks like…The Largest Man To Have Ever Existed in a dress and Alex, calm and collected, actually does kind of a decent job getting into quick drag.
SS: We cycle through our usual jokes about straight men playing with their own fake boobs and then suddenly…
DT: Love Connie appears out of thin air to guest mentor our Mini Challenge! I think Love Connie really Loves Cocaine.
SS: Something Connie and I have in common.
DT: After some cheer routines involving members of the pit crew as human props, Dustin emerges victorious and gets to pair up the contestants with their mentors. He picks Nina, matching up Matt with Kim Chi and Alex with Bob.
SS: This week, the queens will help their lil’ drag babies roast RuPaul herself in accordance with the oldest and most venerable homosexual tradition of saying mean shit, and swearing it was a joke, but actually having it be hurtful and incisive in a way that was uncalled for.
DT: Within minutes of Matt being paired up with Kim Chi, we’re treated to a joke about Matt’s hopes that Kim “has some North Korea in him because we’re going to need to drop some missiles,” a truly shocking statement that should not have made it to broadcast television.
SS: Dustin has a short soliloquy about how hard it is to be boxed in as a straight, white man, with a defined jawline. He’s excited to break out of that tiny unemployable pigeonhole on “Drag Race.” This guy knows how to win over an audience.
DT: The boys determine their drag names and Dustin runs through an entire rolodex of names inspired by Canadian celebrities, eventually settling on Rachel McAdamsapple, which made me realize how much I miss Rachel McAdams. Girl, you good?
SS: Alex will be Madam That Bitch, which to me was a bit on the nose, and Matt will be Bette Bordeaux which is the best we can expect, I think.
DT: The time comes for our celebs to get their faces beat to hell. Alex declares he’s “contoured house boots” (a line that was most certainly written for him by a homosexual computer program), Dustin seems like an excited tween who’s just captivated by the bright colors and Matt looks like Bea Arthur.
SS: Of course, there’s a smattering of somewhat insincere seeming talk about how drag is about finding your power, loving yourself, being a bitch, having fun, and also finding your power, and THEN it’s time for our Ru-oast (sorry, the homosexual computer program I use to write these recaps got a virus).
DT: The roast goes very well, actually. Give these comedy writers a raise, RuPaul!
SS: The jokes were softballs about Michelle’s face, and Carson being a party bottom, which disappointed me. Where are the jokes about Ru’s fracking? Or about that time he watched a man drown in the Hudson River? Let’s get sickening, bitch.
DT: Post-roast, the girls get into their final runway looks, and we, the lucky audience, wait with bated breath to see Matt stomp down the runway like the giant at the top of the beanstalk.
SS: Matt does not disappoint. His trapazoidally shaped face and head are striking as Bette Bordeaux, and despite his clomping, he seems to find some power in his drag persona.
DT: RuPaul’s favorite singer Alex Newell looks great as Madam That Bitch, proving that it is possible to recover, even thrive, after working with Lea Michele. Alex, you’re an inspiration.
SS: Dustin, as Rachel McAdamsapple, has huge tits, a hot dress, and a runway walk that says “I just got hit by a city bus and I’m feeling litigious!”
DT: After their runway walks, the queens are surprised in the werk room by their loved ones. Dustin’s two best gay friends, who are straighter than him, make an appearance. Matt’s girlfriend is there and immediately motor boats his fake tits. Straight love is a mystery!
SS: We’re ready to lip sync for our charities! Matt is here for Arthritis Foundation (he has arthritis it turns out), Dustin is raising money for Project Heal and Alex is lip syncing for the Hetrick-Martin Institute.
DT: The queens are given the gift of “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now,” a song I once sang during karaoke night at a bar in college, did a mic drop after and was then kicked out of said bar. They all suffer through performing a ballad for a bunch of strangers.
SS: The lip sync is best described in the elegant and poignant words of Bob the Drag Queen when she says “there are three performances going on here.” Poetry.
DT: Dustin and Matt have reveals up their sleeves and Miss Arthritis herself finishes the lip sync in a full split.
SS: In final judging, Ru simply cannot choose a winner, and everyone wins $20,000 for their charity. There are no stakes and nothing matters!
DT: Looks like it truly is RuPaul’s Best Friend Race.
SS: Henny boots the house werk you fucking bitch!!!!! (Sorry my homosexual computer program is acting up again).
Daniel Trainor is writer, podcaster, son and friend from Los Angeles, California. Originally from Michigan, his love for all things pop culture started early, once using pancakes to bribe his way onto the Oscars red carpet bleachers with his mother. In addition to writing for AwardsWatch, he is an huge sports fan and hosts the LGBTQ sports podcast “Same Team.” One day, he hopes Jane Krakowski will win an Emmy.
Sam Stone is a writer and actor based in Brooklyn, New York. He writes humor, culture, and travel among other things, and spends his free time reading about all those things. You can find him on twitter @sam_the_stone or on Instagram @samstone000.