“They Told Me There’d Be Hot Tea” – All Mariah Carey Albums, Ranked

Mariah Carey is having a moment. Now, one could argue, as I would to anyone, at any time, through my bejeweled, “I don’t know her” mask, that Mariah Carey is always having a moment, dahhhhhhling. But this feels a bit different, what with her autobiography and new album Rarities being released, all in conjunction with the 30^th anniversary of the release of her watershed debut album. As I said, a moment.

As I waited for my copy of (real title) The Meaning of Mariah Carey to arrive from a local bookstore in Mariah’s hometown, I immersed myself in the rejuvenating milk bath of her music catalog. (I went very method on this.) And then I, gulp, decided to rank* all 19 of her albums**.

Like every other kid growing up in the ’90s, I was obsessed with Jurassic Park, getting a pair of Z Cavariccis and Mariah Carey key-changes. Still, I feel it is worth mentioning that I do not classify myself as a Lamb (a Mariah superfan) or part of the Lambily (Mariah’s legion made up of Lambs). Referring to me as a Lamb would be an insult to Lambs everywhere, the entire lamb community, and all the lambs who paved the way for obsessive Lambing. I guess when it comes to Mariah, I’m more of a veal: a different kind of young animal we feel bad eating but is so, so delicious. All that to say: Lists are dumb and subjective and meant to be debated, so go absolutely off, but also be nice to me.

*I used a very scientific scoring system which included the ranking her singles and promo releases, the strength of the album deep cuts, the iconography of the recard/era, and my personal feelings, which cannot be questioned or quantified in any way. Don’t be a nerd about it.

**I didn’t include EPs or live albums, so no MTV Unplugged or The Remixes.

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19. Charmbracelet (2002)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 1 x Platinum (US); 3 million (WW)

Key tracks: Through the Rain, Boy (I Need You), Bringin’ on the Heartbreak, The One, You Got Me, My Saving Grace

Score: 7 out of 25 Lambs

The album that created the need for Mimi to be emancipated. Coming hot off Glitter’s underappreciation (read: short-sighted commercial and critical failure), this album needed to be a hit that reminded the masses that Mariah could quickly bounce back. But the shaky ground from the aftershocks of Glitter looms large here with a mostly forgettable album, with a few bright spots and the most ‘meh’ series of singles she’s ever released. It’s not great when the best and highest-charting single from Mariah Carey at this moment in time is her featured vocal on Bust Rhymes’s I Know What You Want.

There are moments, of course, including her sweet, short ode to her dad in Sunflowers for Alfred Roy. My favorite vocal Moment on the album comes in My Saving Grace, but for the most part, it’s all a big shoulder shrug. By the time things come to a close with an unnecessary remix of Through the Rain, a song I barely wanted to hear the first time, I’m not just bored; I’m bummed out.

The Moment: Mariah Carey famously went through some hard times post-Glitter. Her comeback performance, against a backdrop of herself, natch at the 2003 American Music Awards is iconic for many reasons, not all of them good, but most of them are affecting.

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18. Greatest Hits (2001)**

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: 2 x Platinum (US); 5 million (WW) 

Key Tracks: None but all her previously released singles are included

Score: 12 out of 25 lambs

Greatest Hits has a weird little history because it was a contractual obligation from back in Mariah’s Columbia Music days with her then-husband Tommy Mottola. She had little to do with the promotion or release of the collection itself, so it’s hard to feel good about the album as a whole. On the other hand, it does include many songs her Number Ones-only collections don’t, like Can’t Let Go and Without You, as well as a fan (and Mariah favorites) like Underneath the Stars. Greatest Hits is also the only Mariah-centered place you can hear her cover of Endless Love with Luther Vandross. 

In the end, there are too many strikes against Greatest Hits.  The collection inexplicably includes an All I Want For Christmas Is You remix over the original, it doesn’t have the correct version of Fantasy (featuring Ol’ Dirty Bastard), and, most importantly, Mariah has renounced it. So I must also reject it. 

**Please note I did include the Greatest Hits collection Mariah was contractually obligated to do from Columbia Music but not The Remixes album. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short to listen to 10-minute versions of 3-minute pop songs. 

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17. Merry Christmas II You (2010)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 0
Sales: Gold (US) 

Essential Tracks: Oh! Santa, When Christmas Comes, O Holy Night (live), O Come All Ye Faithful / Hallelujah Chorus

Score: 12 out of 25 lambs

I’m not saying that Oh! Santa should be as big as All I Want for Christmas is You, but it should at least be in the conversation. It’s great. And whoever thought to add John Legend’s voice with Mariah’s for When Christmas Comes deserves a damn raise. 

The rest of the album is kind of hit or miss:. On the one hand, when Mariah takes us to church, it’s a religious experience (this is true in all four seasons, particularly Christmastime). Her live version of O Holy Night from WPC in South Central Los Angeles tears is precisely what God wanted when he wrote that song (that’s right, right?). Her mother Patricia singing back-up on O Come All Ye Faithful / Hallelujah Chorus is genuinely moving. On the other hand: A club mix of Auld Lang Syne (The New Year’s Anthem)? So bad, it would only be appropriate for closing out this particular year. Mariah, you’ve done it again! 

It’s hard to argue with anything Mariah and Christmas. It had been a decade and a half since Merry Christmas came out, and this album helped solidify her as the Queen of Christmas. And like sure, why not?

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16. Music Box (1993)

#1 Billboard Hot 100 Singles: 2
Sales: Diamond Certified (US); 28 million Worldwide  

Essential Tracks: Dreamlover, Hero, Without You, Anytime You Need a Friend, Now That I Know, Just Hold You Once Again

Score: 15 out of 25 lambs

My biggest swing on this list is probably putting Music Box this low on the list, but whatever, it’s boring. Yeah, it’s the 34^th highest-selling album in the world ever, but just because something’s popular doesn’t make it good. NCIS was the number one show on television for like 10 years, so let’s all relax.  

I’m real hit or miss on schmaltzy Mariah, so Hero is not one that stands the test of time for me. Even 12-year-old me was eye-rolling at the lyric: “There’s a hero if you look inside your heart / you don’t have to be afraid of what you are / There’s an answer if you reach into your soul.” To quote a future Mariah song: GTFO. I strongly prefer the inspirational balladry of Anytime You Need a Friend. And Dreamlover is fun, but post-divorce from Tommy Mottola, Mariah Carey, made mention of wanting to break out of her cut-off jean shorts. Dreamlover is the cut-off jean shorts of songs. Without You is definitive, of course. 

Deeper into the album, Now That I Know is the only time it sounds like the Elusive Chanteuse is having any fun, and Just Hold You Once Again is pure, perfect Mariah longing. Other than that? It’s more like Anytime You Need a Snooze, am I right? 

The Moment (Unranked):  Without You, while not reaching number one in the US, became Mariah’s biggest international hit ever, becoming incredibly ubiquitous in the early aughts as an American Idol audition song. I’m fighting every urge in my dumb little body to not post the Kelly Clarkson version of Without You from season 1 of American Idol.

(j/k here is Kelly Clarkson singing Without You on the final results show of American Idol season 1)

#15-#11…